FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   Events   Register Register  Login Login

Superhero guidelines

Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Mars Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Superhero guidelines
    Posted: 28 May 2003 at 1:43pm
Mars View Drop Down
Platinum
Platinum
Avatar

Joined: 30 Jan 2003
Location: Waiuku
Status: Offline
Points: 1462
Just tracked down Captain Asparagus's manual for those of you interested in a similar career path. Some light reading.....

Guidelines for New Superheroes
 
Rules for choosing a superhero name
 
1. Don't call yourself by your real name e.g. Mr. Fred Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster

2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name e.g. Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin 
 
3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess e.g. Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman

4. Don't be too modest e.g. Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman

5. But don't labour the point e.g. Mr.So-F*cking-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy

6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image e.g.Captain Spongecake, Mr. Ar$ehole, Yellow Streak, Purple Helmet, Captain Evil

7. Don't choose the name of an existing superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.

8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenial hole-in-the-heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.

9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy ... if you're not
 
10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy ... if you're a girl

11. Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady ... if you're a man -- even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body

12. Don't give away important information in your name e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90

13. Don't call yourself the Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume; you'll confuse people

Sidekicks
Advantages of a Boy Wonder

1. Can watch your back in the thick of a fight
2. Can carry your accessory belt if you're feeling lazy
3. make you look taller and hunkier by comparison
4. Small and supple enough to wriggle out of their bond to free you from Puffinmasters diabolical death trap ... just in time
5. they're just about the right height to headbut or bite a supervillain in the nuts -- which makes them a force to be feared in the criminal world
6. They're someone you can explain the plot to for particularly slow readers
7. They give your comic a vital sales boost when they die, you have an excuse to go on a protracted frenzied rampage of revenge and keep those sales figures high

Disadvantages of a Boy Wonder

1.They'd much rather stay in and play Nintendo than go out on patrol
2.They get shy and awkward when confronted by a female supervillain
3.They pick their noses when you're with the Police Commissioner
4.They want to wear a Walkman into combat
5. People talk ....
6. A 13 year old boy is no match for a 210-lb criminal sociopath with a death-ray glare
7. They embarrass you by whistling at girls out of the crime mobile
8. They never tidy up after themselves in the crime cave, so the whole place quickly gets littered with dirty t-shirts, comics, dirty plates, CDs out of their cases, stroke mags, tubes of acne cream and crumpled tissues
9. They can be easily taunted by supervillains into bursting into tears and running off -- simply by pointing and shouting "Virgin, Virgin! Look everybody there's a virgin Boy Wonder over here!"
10. They'll quite happily play stickball in the midst of $20 million worth of delicate criminology lab equipment
11. They get carsick in the crime mobile
12. In the midst of battle, it's futile to yell "Battle maneuver 18 chum!" because chances are they can't count that high
13. They call you things like 'The Big Enchilada or 'Super Dude'
14. They think your bald spot is hilarious
15. They make you feel old
16. They talk crap

Advantages of a Girl Wonder
1. The look much better than a Boy Wonder
2. People don't automatically assume that you're, you know, that way...
3. Overall they are much more intelligent than boys of the same age
4. People think you must be OK to be seen in the company of such a hot babe
5. You might get lucky
6. Supervillains get dead jealous of you

Disadvantages of a Girl Wonder
1. They're always holding slumber parties in the crime cave
2. They insist on having at least a dozen different costume to wear
3. They won't fight crime if Pearl Jam is on MTV
4. They won't fight crime if they're waiting for a phone call
5. Other superheroes will try to steal her from you
6. They jam up the emergency crime line with calls to Tammi, Samantha, Jo-Jo, Mindy, Shelley, Bernice, Tina, Linda, Sandy, Chrissy ...
7. If you receive an emergency call at 2am and their hair is in curlers, forget it
8. They're no use for fighting Tarantula Man or Rat Master
9. Their approach to fighting supervillains is strictly limited to pulling his hair, slapping his face or hitting him with a shoe
10. They get crushes on your arch enemy because "He's like so totally dark an' mysterious an' mean an' moody but that's only 'cause someone musta rilly hurt him bad one time. I can tell ... etc. etc. etc.
11. They won't watch your back in combat if you failed to notice their new hair style
12. They get upset if you and your arch enemy start shouting at each other in battle

Good Things to Put Down Your Tights Before Battle
1. Titanium steel plating
2. Electronic groinal defence shield
3. Socks (they sexually intimidate insecure supervillains)
4. Acid resistant gonad shield
5. Asbestos fire blanket
6. Electromagnetic scrotal forcefield generator
7. Love Blob auto-security screen
8. All of the above simultaneously

Bad Thing to Put Down Your Tights Before Battle
1. Glass jockstrap
2. Epileptic lobsters
3. Bear trap with dodgy spring
4. Napalm
5. 5 lbs of wriggling cockroaches (unless it intimidates supervillains)
6. 4 gallons of quick drying cement
7. Your barbed wire collection
8. Your stuffed porcupine lucky mascot
9. A piece of modern sculpture consisting entirely of razor blades

Supervillains You Want to Tackle
1. Fishpaste Sandwich Maker
2. Baron Scaredy Cat
3. The Crochet Master
4. Mr. White Knuckles
5. Nosebleed Boy
6. Dr. Scared sh*tless
7. Bondage Damsel
8. Sissy Man

Supervillains to Avoid
1. Emitorr the Nuclear Radiation Man
2. Thargorr the Planet Crusher
3. Dr. Slaughterhouse
4. Garth The Gonad Detonator Supreme
5. Dr. Disemboweller
6. The Slasher From Beyond The Stars
7. Krisparr the Incinerator
8. Sun-Up the Solar Sodomiser
9. Mr. Rip-Your-Nuts-Off-And-Eat-Them-In-Front-Of-You
Back to Top
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Kerren Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 May 2003 at 1:53pm
Kerren View Drop Down
Titanium
Titanium
Avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2002
Status: Offline
Points: 7534
LMFAO
I am Kermit, Leader of Muppets Nov 05
Back to Top
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 May 2003 at 1:54pm
KingfishSi View Drop Down
Titanium
Titanium
Avatar

Joined: 22 Oct 2002
Status: Offline
Points: 6490
I don't think 'Captain Pillow Biter' would make a good name either Mars
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
Back to Top
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Bounty Hunter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 May 2003 at 1:54pm
Bounty Hunter View Drop Down
Titanium
Titanium
Avatar

Joined: 14 Nov 2002
Status: Offline
Points: 4042

jeez, there's more to becoming a superhero than i previously thought. i think ill put it in the too hard file, and stick to drowning baits...

Marcus

Back to Top
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote A C Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 May 2003 at 2:32pm
A C View Drop Down
Titanium
Titanium
Avatar

Joined: 19 Jul 2002
Location: Drunken Haze
Status: Offline
Points: 10067

Seeing as we are into boats and fishing how about names such as :-

Master Baits and of course his trusty side kick Able Seaman Stains. ??  

 

Cheers

AC

Back to Top
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote smudge Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 May 2003 at 2:36pm
smudge View Drop Down
Moderator - Ninja
Moderator - Ninja
Avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2002
Location: Te Toro
Status: Offline
Points: 26295
I dunno ... I reckon the Capt. Asparagus name has got a bit of street cred.
Back to Top
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote CanadianJohn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 May 2003 at 2:58pm
CanadianJohn View Drop Down
Titanium
Titanium
Avatar

Joined: 03 May 2003
Location: east auckland
Status: Offline
Points: 5569
i have only one thing to say........"too much time". but funny as.
.
Back to Top
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Kerren Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 May 2003 at 3:02pm
Kerren View Drop Down
Titanium
Titanium
Avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2002
Status: Offline
Points: 7534

apprently the Captain's signature super-power is a sound spanking with an asparagus spear..........

BE GOOD or BE GOOD AT IT!

I am Kermit, Leader of Muppets Nov 05
Back to Top
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Fishb8 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 May 2003 at 10:30pm
Fishb8 View Drop Down
Titanium
Titanium
Avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2002
Location: Hamilton
Status: Offline
Points: 8953
I think stu's got too much time on his hands. No gamefishing, no asparagus to pick, no overseas trips this week. All the product of an over-active and slightly disturbed mind. Even super heroes have quiet weeks.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken
Back to Top
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Barrie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 May 2003 at 5:58am
Barrie View Drop Down
Titanium
Titanium


Joined: 17 Jul 2002
Location: Auckland
Status: Offline
Points: 10449
Mmm...so Mars how long have you "worked" for the government?... looks to me like either MOF DOC or the Tax dept?
Back to Top
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Ross Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 May 2003 at 8:08am
Ross View Drop Down
Platinum
Platinum
Avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2002
Status: Offline
Points: 1020

Hey, I'll be at the boat show today and if you aren't wearing some orange outfit and offering free spanks with an asparagus spear then I'll not know who to give the secret handshake to at the stand!

Oh, it's OK my daughter figures it out, she'll feign a swoon and you'll be the one to rush to her aid!

See you there sport!

Ross

Fishing-4-all-NZ
Back to Top
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Mars Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 May 2003 at 8:35am
Mars View Drop Down
Platinum
Platinum
Avatar

Joined: 30 Jan 2003
Location: Waiuku
Status: Offline
Points: 1462
Geez Barrie thats quite insulting. What did I say? Just cos' it appears I do no work, doesn't mean I'm affiliated to the government. Where's CA when you need him? Shouldn't he be jumping in here to diffuse a volatile situation?
BTW: you said "...looks to me..."
I thought you were blind.....

Mars
Back to Top
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Barrie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 May 2003 at 5:21pm
Barrie View Drop Down
Titanium
Titanium


Joined: 17 Jul 2002
Location: Auckland
Status: Offline
Points: 10449
LOL Mars
Can I get a job with you?
Im getting sick of putting my feet up on my desk
Back to Top
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Spina Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 May 2003 at 8:18pm
Spina View Drop Down
Silver
Silver
Avatar

Joined: 09 Mar 2003
Status: Offline
Points: 331

 Howdy Mars, and I thought that all ya had to do to be a super hero was to have the biggest fishin pole in the village, heh heh heh Cheers Spina.

 

 

 

 ( If ya dont stir the burley bucket all ya get is lumps )

Dont waste your time trying to give me a hard time being in politics teaches one very quickly how to turn a deaf eye and a blind ear!
wheres my glasses cant find my hearing aids without them.
Back to Top
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Mars Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 May 2003 at 11:15am
Mars View Drop Down
Platinum
Platinum
Avatar

Joined: 30 Jan 2003
Location: Waiuku
Status: Offline
Points: 1462
Sorry Barrie, I didn't work hard to get to where I am today, just for some other guy to stroll in and put his feet on my desk. Application rejected....
Besides I need people around me that can cover for my shirking..

Dreemspina, you'll have to discuss that with Captain Asparagus. He is THE authority.

BTW, I really thought the Captain A' would bite on this one. Where is he? Is there a crisis somewhere?

Cheers Mars
Back to Top
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Kerren Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 May 2003 at 11:33am
Kerren View Drop Down
Titanium
Titanium
Avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2002
Status: Offline
Points: 7534
I believe he is either stuck in a phone box, impaled himself on a tall building, the speeding bullet caught up to him or he might even be looking after the Pro Skipper Stand at the Hutchilco Boat Show?...
I am Kermit, Leader of Muppets Nov 05
Back to Top
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote smudge Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 May 2003 at 12:54pm
smudge View Drop Down
Moderator - Ninja
Moderator - Ninja
Avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2002
Location: Te Toro
Status: Offline
Points: 26295
Nah he's probably out saving some poor asparagus plants from the ravages of Snailman.
Back to Top
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 May 2003 at 1:03pm
KingfishSi View Drop Down
Titanium
Titanium
Avatar

Joined: 22 Oct 2002
Status: Offline
Points: 6490
MAF will be onto him if he's hurting those poor snails. Maybe they'll turn his place into a snail reserve.
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
Back to Top
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Spina Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 May 2003 at 9:43pm
Spina View Drop Down
Silver
Silver
Avatar

Joined: 09 Mar 2003
Status: Offline
Points: 331

 Howdy all, I saw the good Capt Asp today at the boat show waving his fishing pole around all over the place he was, and he was even good enough to get me to spend some cash, boy did he get lucky, the boat show was an eye opener to say the least, If you had a bottomless pit full of cash you could have a ball,seriously though it was good. Yup worth a look, Awsome to see Lethal there hard out doing his bit, There is one good thing about it all the fish will get a rest this weekend with all the guns occupied at the show. cheers Spina.

 

     If ya dont stur the burley bucket all ya get is lumps!

Dont waste your time trying to give me a hard time being in politics teaches one very quickly how to turn a deaf eye and a blind ear!
wheres my glasses cant find my hearing aids without them.
Back to Top
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Capt Asparagus Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Jun 2003 at 12:26am
Capt Asparagus View Drop Down
Moderator - Black Belt
Moderator - Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 18 Sep 2002
Location: New Zealand
Status: Offline
Points: 13150

All right, all right, MARS, bro, you dun it now pal, divulging secrets like that. Mate. I am gonna tell the League of Justice And Guys In Really Tight Tights Inc in NYC, and they will send Kneecapman and Vito the Enforcer around to see you for letting trade secrets outa the bag.

ACTUALLY for those of you who really need to know, (and i trust yez all not to let on who told you this OK) but you don't get to chose your name, it is usually assigned you by the League Of Justice And Guys In Really Tight Tights Inc in NYC (LOJAGIRTTINYC)(funnily enough, that's also the sound I generally make when attempting to perform my superheroic stunts, and squashing Zorbonians too)... and they chose for me the Auspicious name of Captain Asparagus for all sortsa reasons, mainly though because they thought it was funny (Just because they are superheroes in the LOJAGIRTTINYC, they still like a laugh as much as the next superhero, the bastards) but also because at only 3 million, I am afraid NZ doesn't really rate one of the front line names like Captain Fearless or DynamiteMan. Dammit.

Still CAPTAIN ASPARAGUS is indeed a noble and proud title that I bear with nobility and pride (I really am such a helluva great guy, I constantly amaze myself), able to leap small rocks two times outa three given a following wind and if i can start from uphill, and at least I get to see Catwoman, Batgirl, wonderwoman and Lois Lane in the Annual Superheroes Chicks mud-wrestlerama at the annual Superheroes Picnic.

Certainly the chick with the giant squid was impressed when I described my official regalia. She was so overcome she had to leave the room for a while. However, I am a little distrustful of her, because it made me suspicious that she was somehow unaware that she was actually displaying a dormant Zorbonian!Nah, True! it was, trust me on this.

Well, i think I will go off to bed now, as I have to be up early to do Earth Guarding From The Zorbonians duty tomorrow, as it is my shift back on the roster, now I have used up my days off at the show.

Mars.... you will know when the Kneecapman and the Enforcer get there, as your front door will implode.... unless they get lost (again) as they are, although very nice chaps, won't hear a word said against them,OK?, but they are not the brightest sparks off the old spark plugs. Us driving on the "wrong" side of the road tends to get them hopelessly lost, and I tell you, them trying to even FIND zorbonians is just a joke (zorbonians are tricky buggers, they tend to move thru the 4th dimension a lot, which is good as it gets out of paying parking metres, but still isn't really the done thing, you know....but Zorbonians don't care, the rotten sods)

Anyhow, if you do have your front door atomised sometime, please roll up your trousers to save time.

Hugs'n'kisses,

Stu.

It is only my overwhelming natural humility that mars my perfection.

Captain Asparagus, Superhero, Adventurer.
Back to Top
Forum Jump
Forum Permissions View Drop Down


This page was generated in 0.379 seconds.