Fishing Humour
Printed From: The Fishing Website
Category: Saltwater Fishing
Forum Name: The Briny Bar
Forum Description: The place for general chat on saltwater fishing!
URL: https://www.fishing.net.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=1574
Printed Date: 06 Dec 2024 at 10:53am
Topic: Fishing Humour
Posted By: Keith C
Subject: Fishing Humour
Date Posted: 27 May 2003 at 12:04pm
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Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off |
Replies:
Posted By: Kerren
Date Posted: 29 May 2003 at 8:07am
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this is a goodie..... Rangi was stopped by a Department of Conservation officer, somewhere near Taupo recently, with two buckets of fish leaving a stream well known for its fishing. The officer asked him, "Do you have a licence to catch those fish?" Rangi replied "These are my pet fish". "Pet fish!?" the officer asked. "Yes sir. Everynight I take these fish down to the stream and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into the buckets, and I take them home." "That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that!" Rangi looked at the officer for a moment, and then said "Here, I'll show how you, it really works." "OK. I've got to see this!" The officer was curious now. Rangi poured the fish into the stream and stood and waited. After several minutes, the officer turned to him and said "Well?" Well, what?" Rangi responded. "When are you going to call them back?" The officer prompted. "Call who back?" Rangi asked. "The fish" replied the officer. Rangi replied, "What fish?" ------------- I am Kermit, Leader of Muppets Nov 05 |
Posted By: A C
Date Posted: 29 May 2003 at 6:46pm
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And another :- A mate of mine sent his old man to live in a retirement home, he gave them the advise that sometimes because the old man doesn't get out fishing much any more he can get a bit friskey with the ladies. He went to see the old geezer a week later to find him in very good health and spirit, so before my mate left to head for home he decided to ask the staff what the old boy had been up to. The village manager told him that they have been giving him warm Milo and viagra just before he went to bed ?????!!!!! ..........what the hell for !! Well sir, the Milo sends him to sleep and the viagra stops him from rolling out of bed. Hardy harr harr Cheers AC |
Posted By: lalandi
Date Posted: 30 May 2003 at 2:22pm
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" I caught a 15lb snapper last night" "Really?-sure... got any witnesses?" "yip... If I hadnt it would have weighed 25lbs" ahhh... actually thats not so funny... ------------- So you're a feminist... How cute |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 30 May 2003 at 2:24pm
or maybe even 38lbs  ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: A C
Date Posted: 03 Jul 2003 at 5:56pm
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A husband comes home with a 12 pack of new "OLYMPIC GOLD" style condoms, And announces, " Honey, we're gonna go for gold tonight ! " She replied, " Why don't you use a silver one and come second for a change ? "
I don't get it ?? Cheers AC |
Posted By: Peter da Squid
Date Posted: 03 Jul 2003 at 6:37pm
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Q - Whats the difference between Sheep and the Wife ? A - Sheep dont complain when ya root its sister |
........Posted By: Snapatak
Date Posted: 03 Jul 2003 at 7:58pm
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An old couple were sitting eating peanuts, the old boy was showing off by throwing his peanuts up in the air and catching them in his mouth, he tossed one up and by mistake it landed in his ear. They both tried by couldn't removed the peanut, so the old girl said, go upstairs and talk to the daughters boy friend, he's a trainee doctor and will know what to do. So he made his way up the stairs and knocked on the door to his daughter's room, she opened the door and the old boy explained his problem, no problem she said and told her boy friend. He came to the door to help the old boy. After the peanut had been removed the old boy made his way back downstairs to his wife, she asked how he got on? Great he said. I explained to him about the peanut, he put both his fingers up my nose and asked me to blow and the peanut came flying out. The old girl was impressed, that young guy has got a great future ahead of him. Yes the old boy replied, by the smell of his fingers I hope he"ll by our son inlaw.
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Posted By: lalandi
Date Posted: 05 Jul 2003 at 2:56pm
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those last two jokes are the dodgiest jokes I have ever heard(read). Speaking from experience Squid??? no wonder the aussies take the piss.. ------------- So you're a feminist... How cute |
Posted By: A C
Date Posted: 05 Jul 2003 at 7:46pm
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We need marks out of 10, say anything over 7 allows the poster to " tell another " anything under and it has to be left to the comediens of this world. Cheers AC |
Posted By: Wefaknis
Date Posted: 11 Aug 2003 at 10:39am
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Posted from another site. How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb? |
Posted By: smudge
Date Posted: 11 Aug 2003 at 10:48am
| I call them Lamps..... |
Posted By: Kerren
Date Posted: 11 Aug 2003 at 10:50am
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oh I am laffin'!!....... anyone watch "The Office"? same kinda humor....spooky! ------------- I am Kermit, Leader of Muppets Nov 05 |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 11 Aug 2003 at 11:37am
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The cowboy and the genie A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor." But, like he's a goner anyway so he thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink." � ***POOF*** � The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. He is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams." � ***POOF*** � The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." � ***POOF*** � He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story: Any time the government offers you something �you can bet there's going to be a string attached.... " ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: 1000PA
Date Posted: 11 Aug 2003 at 12:26pm
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Hubby wants a new boat so his wife says,"Just leave it to me love". Next day she goes into the bank and asks to see the manager. When he duly arrives she says she wants to deposit a small bag of money. He takes her through to his office and finds shes got a bag full of $10 notes. Asking her how she got them she reports having a good night at the casino. He gives her a lecture on the evils of gambling and banks the money. Before she leaves she throws him a challange saying, "I'll bet you $20,000 that your balls are square". "Madam that is a ridiculous wager, I'd be stealing your money" "I'll offer it again, I bet you $20,000 your balls are square". "OK", says the manager. The wife says she'll be in the next morning with her lawyer and husband for proof and leaves. That night the lawyer checks his balls and sure enough they're round. Next day in comes the wife, husband and lawyer, "Ready ?", says the wife. The manager climbs onto a chair drops his trousers and the wife holds his balls in her hands. Proud manager says, "There you go, I win. But whats the lawyer doing banging his head on my desk?". "Oh", says wife, "Yesterday I bet him $200,000 that I could have my bank managers balls in my hand by lunchtime tomorrow, Thanks a lot!! With that she and hubby leave to select their new boat............ Ross ------------- Fishing-4-all-NZ |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 11 Aug 2003 at 2:04pm
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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows that his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: Its what your mother sometimes calls me." The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out! It's an arsehole!" ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: Peter da Squid
Date Posted: 11 Aug 2003 at 5:50pm
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What's the difference between kinky and perverted? - kinky is when you tickle your partners bum with a feather & - perverted is when you use the whole chicken.......
------------- Good for Nuthin |
Posted By: Snapatak
Date Posted: 12 Aug 2003 at 7:43am
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Aussie farmer rings kiwi farmer, hey kiwi what are you doing this weekend. Not much replies the kiwi farmer, come over and we'll have a few beers replies the Aussie farmer. So kiwi farmer hops on a plane and is soon at Aussie farmers place. Both Aussie and kiwi were out walking one of the back fences when they came across a sheep with it's head caught in the wire fence and it's ass sticking right up in the air, Aussie and kiwi both looked at the sheep, kiwi couldn't help himself so he downed trowel and before the Aussie could say "cheers mate" the kiwi was stuck up the sheep ass. Kiwi had just blown he bolt and was putting himself away when he said. "OK Aussie it's your turn". Kiwi turned around to see Aussie with his head caught down in the wire fence, pants around his ankle's and his ass sticking up in the air.
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Posted By: A C
Date Posted: 12 Aug 2003 at 8:35am
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Whats the difference between Pink and Purple ?
The Grip ------------- Aye-Aye cloth eyes. |
Posted By: Snapatak
Date Posted: 12 Aug 2003 at 4:06pm
Yes AC, I got a laugh out of that one. 
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Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 12 Aug 2003 at 4:25pm
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Guys, if you want to have a laugh over peoples misfortune, take a look at this site. http://darwinawards.com/">Darwin Awards I can recommend also watching the crab mpeg under 'Personal Accounts' - 'Under Pressure' ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: empty
Date Posted: 12 Aug 2003 at 9:44pm
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> > > > > > The Wallabies rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a > > player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice > > field. > > > > Head coach Eddie Jones immediately suspended practice while police and > > federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete > analysis, > > investigating forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown > > to players was the try line. Practice was resumed after special agents > > decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again. > > > ------------- what happened to the pissing man? |
Posted By: Snapatak
Date Posted: 13 Aug 2003 at 8:13am
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Subject: His & Hers diary > > > > HER DIARY > > Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to > meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day > long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, > but he made no comment. > > Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet > so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him > what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that > he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. > > On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and > kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he > didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if had lost > him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there > and watched TV He seemed distant and absent. > > Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed > and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I > still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere > else. > I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront > him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and > cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost > sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. > > HIS DIARY > > Today the Springboks lost. At least I got laid. > |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 13 Aug 2003 at 12:04pm
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WHEN A CAR LOVER SCORES I met her at the Civic. I'd been Holden up the bar all night and�as�she�walked in, I looked her Rover. I thought she seemed Familia, but�that�was�just a Mirage. She came up to me of her own Accord. I said "Audi",�she�told�me she thought I was Galant. I lied to her and told her I was an�Executive.���I was just being Calais. She was quite a Starlet, wearing a��nice�Mini,�but�not like that of Hunter. Her name was Sylvia and she was a real�Trooper.� I'd�drunk a few Corona's when I tried to Impreza. She told me not to�Porsche�it.� I told her I wanted to Lancer. Turns out she was an Escort, so by�her�standards I wasn't that Ford. I didn't want to pay - she said "you�don't�know what your Nissan". So I paid. I took her back to my place -�or HQ�as�I�like to call it. I had a Bighorn and, of course, I was an absolute�Legend.� Later, when there was a Prelude, I went to see if there was any�food�left�in�the Lada. It was a great night, but I really should have worn a��condom�because you see, I left her with my Legacy - a little��Bambina...... ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: Peter da Squid
Date Posted: 13 Aug 2003 at 6:37pm
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Very clever Si 2 Maori boys- (dont worry im Maori too) were cleaning up after a day on the water, The single one of the 2, Hem says to his bro" Hey Timmy, you into going to town to watch some strippers tonight"? Timmy replies " Yeahhh, but only if the missus gives the ok". An hour later Tim asks his hard lady if he's aloud off the leash, She agree's but on terms, 1- dont come home to late, 2- dont be to drunk & 3- dont spend all your money. Not long after Hem is there to collect his bro. Well the nights going sweet for these blokes until someone spikes Timmy's drink. Poor boy's a mess in the corner abusing people and vomiting all over himself, Timmy tells Hem that his wife is going to kill him when he arrives home late, drunk & broke especially since his shirt is covered in spew. Hem says "dont worry bro, I have a plan" Hem says to Tim-" tell your wife that some drunk w**ker came over to you and chundered all down your front, The bloke was so embarrased he slipped $20.00 into ya top pocket for the drycleaning bill". Tim nods his head and say's "that might work". Anyway 5.30am and Tim staggers through his front door and strait into his pissed off lady. "Darlin, I can explain". We were having a quite drink and some asshole comes over spewes on me and then gives me $20 notes for the drycleaning, check my top pocket its in there, Tims wife reaches in and pulls out $40 notes, she replies "you lying bastard, you told me you had 20$ bucks only!" Poor Tim replies " Oh, he sh*t in me pants too ".... ------------- Good for Nuthin |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 15 Aug 2003 at 8:13am
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Four surgeons taking a coffee break ... The first one says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered. " The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." Third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded." The fourth one says, "I prefer a Australian rugby player. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable." ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 15 Aug 2003 at 8:28am
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Did you hear about the Australian politician who was found dead in a Wallabies shirt? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment. ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: Mr Bean
Date Posted: 15 Aug 2003 at 1:16pm
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You can hear the new Wallabies theme song if you click on this link www.awm.gov.au/commemoration/last_post.htm 
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Posted By: Peter Montague
Date Posted: 15 Aug 2003 at 6:03pm
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I grew up believing a 'wooly bugger' was a trout fly then I went to New Zealand and found out it was somewhat of a national pastime involving sheep New Zealand where owning Velcro gloves and oversize wellies signifies coming of age |
Posted By: Peter da Squid
Date Posted: 15 Aug 2003 at 6:19pm
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Gubbins, tell us what a "wooly bugger" is... ------------- Good for Nuthin |
Posted By: Bushpig
Date Posted: 15 Aug 2003 at 6:35pm
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Pete, Let us know when you are over next and we will give you a set as payment for ya mag. Cheers Bushie
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Posted By: GrahamT
Date Posted: 16 Aug 2003 at 5:24pm
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But dont make it a blow up one Bushie.
Kerren took one out once but after a lovebite on the neck, it farted & flew out the window! ------------- I prefer Parkinson to Alzheimer - I'd rather spill my beer than forget to drink it! |
Posted By: Jackrat
Date Posted: 17 Aug 2003 at 12:30pm
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Whats the diff, between a male mud fish and a female mud fish. A=MUDFLAPS |
Posted By: 1000PA
Date Posted: 18 Aug 2003 at 9:16am
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Extreme sports
Pat, Bill and Jimmy all decide to take up Extreme Sports. To this end they all visited the pet supplies store in Belfast to purchase the necessary equipment. On leaving the store and driving to the cliff overlooking the Irish Sea they walk past young Monty playing in the paddock. �What�r yea up ta?� inquired the young monty. �We�re going extreme sporting matey an if�n yea care ta watch then tag along and learn a wee bit�, they tell him. First up is Pat, who pulls out of his shopping bag a wee budgie bird and gripping it�s feet leaps off the high cliff to his doom below. �Well�, says Bill, �I don�t think much of that there budgie jumping as an extreme sport at all I don�t� Bills turn next and he pulls out of his shopping bag a big parrot. He throws the parrot up as high as he�s able, pulls out a gun and shoots it, then leaps to his demise onto the rocks below. �Bloody hell�, exclaims Jimmy, �That there parrot shooting is a bloody dangerous extreme sport as well�. With that Jimmy pulls from his shopping bag a common chicken, grabs it by the legs holds it out in front of himself and lurches off the cliff to his likewise death below. Young Monty wanders up to the cliff, looks over and despondently claims, �That there hen gliding isn�t much of an extreme sport either matey!� ------------- Fishing-4-all-NZ |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 19 Aug 2003 at 7:44am
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Bob�s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realises that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello," says a little girl�s voice." "Hi, honey, it�s Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She�s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven�t got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes, I do, and he�s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay then, here�s what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car�s just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and fell down the front steps and she�s just lying there. Her neck is at a funny angle. I think she�s dead." "Oh my God ... and what about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying there, not moving. He may be dead too." There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? ........................ is this 854-7039?" ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: Mr Bean
Date Posted: 20 Aug 2003 at 9:57am
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One of the funniest things I've seen.....a must for any rugby supporter.......go visit http://members.hn.ozemail.com.au/gerardandkim/ |
Posted By: Wefaknis
Date Posted: 21 Aug 2003 at 11:38am
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Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 21 Aug 2003 at 11:49am
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Right, time for a blonde joke... This blonde chick goes up to this coke machine and puts in $1 and out comes a can of coke... ... She puts in another $1 and out comes another can... ... 10 minutes later she's still standing at the coke machine feeding in coins and pulling out coke cans... ... Anyway, there's a bit of a queue building up as it's a rather hot day. The guy behind the blonde says "Lady, how long are you gonna be???"... ... the blonde replies "Duh, I'm like, still winning!" ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: Wefaknis
Date Posted: 22 Aug 2003 at 11:36am
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Drinking and Boating http://www.wral.com/news/2422231/detail.html">http://www.wral.com/news/2422231/detail.html
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Posted By: A C
Date Posted: 27 Aug 2003 at 1:53pm
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A guy comes home from a fishing trip to find his wife standing nude in front of the mirror with a frown on her face " What's up Honey " " I look ugly, fat, old and horrible, whatsmore I feel terrible........ can you pay me a compliment to make me feel a little better ? " " Well, your eyesight's f#cking spot on " ------------- Aye-Aye cloth eyes. |
Posted By: Dino
Date Posted: 27 Aug 2003 at 7:03pm
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Young guy from India moves to Glasgow and goes to a big department shopping complex looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The Indian boy says. "Sirji, I was a salesman back home in Surat." Well, the boss liked the Indian boy so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" Indian boy says, "Sirji, Just ONE sale" The boss says, "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?" Indian boy says, " �101,237.64" Boss says, "�101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" Indian boy says: Sirji, First I sell him small fish hook. Then I sell him medium fish hook. Then I sell him larger fish hook. Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Volvo Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 top-of-the-range Discovery. I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about a �100.00 worth of groceries and two cases of beer." The boss said,your not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a Boat,a 4x4 truck and a tent?" Indian boy says, "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said: Well, your weekend's all stuffed, you might just as well go fishing." |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 29 Aug 2003 at 5:10pm
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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says:" Make 'em all ugly again" ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: tonto
Date Posted: 29 Aug 2003 at 10:50pm
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Paddy the Irishman is out fishing when he sees a bottle floating past, so he skilfully nets it and gives it a rub. Out pops a genie and you guessed it he offers Paddy 3 wishes. Paddy thinks for a while and says for my first wish I'll have a bottle of beer that refills itself forever and never runs dry...POOF, sure enough the bottle appears and Paddy drains it in 1 go and instantly it refills. Paddy is ecstatic!!! the genie then asks Paddy what he would like for his remaining 2 wishes, well as quink as a wink Paddy says thats easy I'LL have 2 more of these bottles!! |
Posted By: bluefox_13
Date Posted: 30 Aug 2003 at 10:10am
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Good work guys, these are magic, keep em coming..... ------------- Yes its cold... no I dont care that you feel the cold easily... no we can't get out.... |
Posted By: Mr Bean
Date Posted: 01 Sep 2003 at 5:33pm
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Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So here's what we do to keep warm: We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, doesn't it? I've used it several times with no complaints. When I get to the bottom and start working, what I do is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck and flood my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my itchy ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot-water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than poison ivy under a cast. I had put that hose down my back, but I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communications system. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he and 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 hellish in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter streaming down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to coat my ass when I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't sh*t for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. We've since modified the equipment to filter out most sea creatures. Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to squash a jellyfish on your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable. |
Posted By: Mr Bean
Date Posted: 01 Sep 2003 at 5:56pm
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Why an ike is good...... (Zambia) A solo fishing expedition near Livingstone in Zambia turned into a tragedy when 28 year old Harris Simwaba was choked to death by a live fish which accidently slid and lodged itself into his throat. Simwaba hooked the fish from the Chungu River 16km east of Livingstone, the Zambian media reported yesterday. When he tried to bite the fish to death it slid down his throat. Simwaba tried to hook out the fish with a stick, but he pushed it further down his throat instead. Villagers going to their fields on Sunday morning found his body sprawled on the ground with a stick dangling from his mouth. The fish came out when one of the villagers pulled the stick out of Simwaba's mouth." 25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death. In a related story, on January 9 the China Post reported that a 23-year-old Pingtung man died after eating fish he poisoned in a nearby ditch. Three days of diarrhea and vomiting led to his demise after he ate fish he caught by pouring toxic chemicals in the water at the suggestion of friends. |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 02 Sep 2003 at 7:41am
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THE THREE BEARS IN 2003: THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge? !! "he roars. Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asse presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time. "I HAVEN'T MADE THE f**kING PORRIDGE YET !!" ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: Cookie
Date Posted: 03 Sep 2003 at 10:08am
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2 Maori boys in the pub, Rangi says to the Hemi
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Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 05 Sep 2003 at 7:50am
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The Painting A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally na ked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black pen ises, but the one in the middle had a pinky. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pinky also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society." After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" ��� "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. ��� "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch." ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: billfish
Date Posted: 06 Sep 2003 at 5:01pm
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Think of this guy the next time you think you are having a bad day! Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline,who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of sh*t sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do,when I get to the bottom and start working is, I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't sh*t for 2 days because my asshole was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass! Tight lines and calm seas, Richard |
Posted By: A C
Date Posted: 06 Sep 2003 at 6:10pm
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Very good Billfish ------------- Aye-Aye cloth eyes. |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 08 Sep 2003 at 4:00pm
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you'll be just right as a pirate. The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note that says: Dear Sir Sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you'll really look the part. Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head. He writes another letter of complaint. The following day he receives a small parcel and a note: Dear Sir Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup treacle. Pour the treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go as a toffee apple. ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 11 Sep 2003 at 7:44am
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A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, all fat 'n ugly - pay me a compliment", The husband replies "your eyesight's f**kin spot on!" ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: Cookie
Date Posted: 12 Sep 2003 at 9:19am
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This little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well, son let me try to explain it to you this way... I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism'. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of YOUR needs, so we'll call you 'The People'. The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money, so we'll consider her 'The Working Class.' And your baby brother... we'll call him 'The Future'. Now, think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying; He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about". The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the future is in deep sh*t." |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 15 Sep 2003 at 2:22pm
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[B/]THE RULES OF LIFE FOR MEN{B/] 1. Any Man who brings a camera to a buck's night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates. 2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: � When a heroic dog dies to save its master. � The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. � After wrecking your boss' car. � One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". � When she is using her teeth. 4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a�friend�out of jail within 12 hours. 5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is�off�limits forever, unless you actually marry her. 6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is�forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for�another�man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly�optional. 8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,�not�the�weakest. 9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event,�you�may�ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask�who's�playing. 10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have�brought�her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose�of�flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when�you're�sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless�supermodel... and it's free. 12. Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you�allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts. 13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see�anything. 16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated�as�spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the�ability�to�drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman�must�remain sober enough to fight. 18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice�of�pizza, but not both - that's just mean. 20. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be�talking about his choice of beer. 21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a Mate of�yours, except�if she's withholding sex pending your response. 22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: � Yeah, Baby, Push it! � C'mon, give me one more! Harder! � Another set and we can hit the showers! 23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal�footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other�situations,�an�almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 24. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a�massive�hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his�monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven�minutes. 25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not�acceptable�for�her to drive yours. 26. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less�than�1.5�litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8 litres,�16�valves, and a turbo. 27. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime�green,�orange or sky blue. 28. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for�Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets�a Playstation 2. End of story. ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: CanadianJohn
Date Posted: 15 Sep 2003 at 3:08pm
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very hilarious kingfishsi. however i must correct an oversight. cars in the colour lime greem (aka sublime) orange ( aka vitamin c) pink (aka panther pink) white (aka polar white) are perfectly suitable if they are a mopar circa early 1970's with a 440- 340 cubic inch engine. i am slightly disapointed and on behalf of mopar enthusiast everywhere request an apologee. cheers john ------------- . |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 15 Sep 2003 at 3:30pm
Good point CJ. I am very, very, very sorry.... punishment will be to drink one more beer than everyone else on Thursday... I shouldn't be so tough on myself!  To tell the truth, the title was supposed to be 'The rules of life for Aussie men' huh, go figure! ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: Hooker2
Date Posted: 19 Sep 2003 at 5:02am
| Two Irish men watching a John Wayne movie on TV.John Wayne is riding a horse as Paddy turns to Mick and says,"I bet ya 10 Pounds he falls off"Mick says ,"You`re on!"Just then John Wayne falls off the Horse.Mick pulls out 10 pounds and hands it to Paddy.Paddy says to Mick "Nah mate can`t take ya money i`ve seen this movie before.Mick says"Yeah, me to, but i did`nt think he`d fall off twice. |
Posted By: The Dog
Date Posted: 19 Sep 2003 at 8:17am
| Maori tv are making a remake of the silence of the lambs film its called "SHUT UP EWES" |
Posted By: CanadianJohn
Date Posted: 22 Sep 2003 at 9:56pm
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ok, iv'e got one. the popes coming to a small country village on good friday, so all the clergy decided to go out and catch a fish for his evening meal. brother andrew got into the boat and went out fishing. he caught this ugly looking grey thing and brought it back to the church. nobody knew what kind of fish it was, so brother charles looked it up in the encyclopedia and found that the fish was called a phucker. mother therese gutted and scaled the fish. sister mary-gabriel cooked it. and it was presented to the pope. upon eating the fish the pope said it was the best fish he ever had and inquired as to who prepared his lovely meal. brother john explained to the pope that brother andrew caught the phucker and mother therese gutted and scaled the phucker. sister mary-gabriel had then cooked the phucker. the pope said i can tell i'm gonna get on fine with you c**ts! |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 25 Sep 2003 at 3:24pm
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It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The entire crowd, indeed, become totally mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "sh*t" said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: A C
Date Posted: 25 Sep 2003 at 4:50pm
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Yes, one of your better efforts there Kfsi ------------- Aye-Aye cloth eyes. |
Posted By: Wefaknis
Date Posted: 30 Sep 2003 at 11:40am
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Several women are in the locker room of a health club. |
Posted By: Bushpig
Date Posted: 30 Sep 2003 at 11:52am
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The fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks "Any luck?" "Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday" he boasts. "Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger. "Nope." "Well, meet the new game warden." "Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?" "Nope". "Meet the biggest liar in the state." ------------- I would rather laugh with the Sinners, than cry with the Saints |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 30 Sep 2003 at 11:58am
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Had to edit half of this or the ladies may have killed me and maybe I should have just left the other half out too! NEW SLANG DICTIONARY, 2003 AEROPLANE BLONDE One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'. AUSSIE KISS Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. BEER COAT The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning. BEER COMPASS The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pi$$ed to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you've come from. BOBFOC Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch. BREAKING THE SEAL Your first pi$$ in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night. BRUCE LEE Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip). DRINK-LINK A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze. ETCH-A-SKETCH Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously. FLOGGING ON Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites. SSSSSSSSSSHHHH1111111111111TTTTTTTTTTTTTT The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed. GREYHOUND A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. JOHNNY-NO-STARS A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training. MILLENNIUM DOMES The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fu(k-all in there worth seeing. MONKEY BATH A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!". MYSTERY BUS The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. MYSTERY TAXI The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead. PEARL HARBOUR Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there (there's a nasty nip in the air) SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive woman. TART FUEL Bottled Alcopops, e. g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women. UP ON BLOCKS Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks". ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 30 Sep 2003 at 12:05pm
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The� Horth This couple owns a horse farm,� and gets a call from a friend, who tells them, "I know this midget� with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm� sending him over." The midget arrives,� and the owners ask if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth", the midget replies. So the owners show him a mare. The midget says, "Wet me thee� her feet." So they pick up and inspect all her feet. "Nith looking horth, can you pick me up an' wet me� thee her mouf?" So the guy picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouf, hold me up a� little higher tho I can thee her eyeths?" So the owner picks up the� midget and shows him the horse's eyes. "Ok, waise me up a wittle higher tho I can wook in her eerths." Now� the owner is getting a little pissed! , but he picks up the midget� one more time and shows him the horses ears. "OK, now, tan I see her twat?" With that, the owner picks up� the midget walks around behind and shoves his head up the horse's� you know what, then pulls him out. Shaking his head and� wiping his face, the midget says, "Perhapth I thould rephrathe� that. Tan I thee her wun awownd? ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 30 Sep 2003 at 12:09pm
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Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%? If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then, H A R D W O R K 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% K N O W L E D G E 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% But, A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100% And, B U L L S H I T 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103% So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullsh*t will put you over the top. And look how far A S S K I S S I N G will take you. 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118% I'm sure we all know quite a few people who give 118% ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 30 Sep 2003 at 2:43pm
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Since it's nearing Christmas, time for a Santa one! The Night Before Christmas Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have a good mind to scrap the whole works. I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear? The old lady bitches cause I work late at night The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money? And the kids these days - they all are the pits They want the impossible ...Those mean little sh*ts I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM! Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season! ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: Barrie
Date Posted: 30 Sep 2003 at 5:38pm
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If Noah Lived Today... And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting his front yard weeping. "Noah," he shouted, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a Resource Consent for construction and your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans and get an engineer's report from the Council. Then I got into a fight with the NZ Fire Service over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and smoke alarms, and the Ministry of Health over the provision of smoking or non smoking areas. Then the Residents' Association objected, claiming I was violating SAM zoning ordinances by building an Ark in my front yard that was a recreational watercraft and therefore a threat to existing homes - also I would need to pay an ongoing levy to the local Iwi for potential use of any foreshore. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because of the ban on native logging on the West Coast. They tried to get me to use Fijian jara but I couldn't get the necessary dispensation from Customs & Excise to import timber from a Pacific Island nation that wasn't party to the International Working Party on the life cycle of native timbers. I finally convinced DOC that I needed the wood to indirectly save the kakapo from extinction which seemed to get a bit of a reaction, however, the Royal Forest and Bird Society objected and won't let me catch any kakapo. No kakapo. No wood. Under the new Employment Relations Act, the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement under the provisions of good faith bargaining before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. OSH arrived and now I have to produce a Hazard Management and Safety procedure before they start work and ACC are insisting we pre-pay our annual premiums on the basis we may not be returning. So now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but no kakapo and no wood. When news got out that I was to round up other animals, MAF arrived and insisted I build quarantine facilities to hold them in for the 6 months before sailing. They also wanted blood samples to prove no genetic engineering practices were involved. The next thing I know, the Regional Council is knocking on my door. They want an 'Environmental Impact Report' on the proposed flood; the area it would cover, the amount of water in cubic metres, impact on local micro-ecosystems, velocity and force of water, cost to manufacturing and production and local transport, areas for possible relocation and resettlement. I tried telling them they were missing the point entirely. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Opportunities Commission and the Race Relations Office that our selection criteria does not fairly reflect the age, gender, religious and race diversity of Earth. Finally WINZ has waded in. They have seized my assets for alleged nonpayment of child support. It seems a local netball coach is claiming I knocked her up last year at the tapu lifting ceremony for the relocation of the New Plymouth cemetery. Mrs. Noah is beside herself. She's enrolled herself in the 'Women in Leadership' seminar and has applied to the Waitangi Tribunal for her share of Tainui's corporate box at Ericsson Stadium and is leaving me. "I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has." |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 01 Oct 2003 at 9:04am
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These are 'genuine clips' from council complaint letters My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2. ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 03 Oct 2003 at 12:48pm
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For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job.There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going? Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no f**king bike!" ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: Snapatak
Date Posted: 03 Oct 2003 at 5:58pm
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Here's a coulpe of drity low jokes. Hickory dickory dock, the slut was sucking my cock, her hair got tangled, she got strangled, lucky she swollowed the lot. When you take a gril out to dinner. flowers @ 25c Dinner @50c Taxi home @70c But when you stick your co%k up her ass, the look on her face is, PRICELESS.
A mexican was smoking a big cigar in a bar, he was blowing out big smoke rings, at that moment an indan man came over to him from the other side of the bar, he said, nextime you talk to me like that I'll kick your fu%king head in. |
Posted By: lalandi
Date Posted: 05 Oct 2003 at 1:35pm
 ------------- So you're a feminist... How cute |
Posted By: A C
Date Posted: 05 Oct 2003 at 2:29pm
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LOL...........best I've seen for a long time, all nice and easy to push through the burley mincer ------------- Aye-Aye cloth eyes. |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 05 Oct 2003 at 3:57pm
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Haahaahaa, reminds me of a prank I played on an old workmate... I printed out an A3 Xerox on the printer saying "Wigs for Hire"(This guy I worked with was bald). Stuck the sign to the passenger door of his car and he left work that arvo without a clue. Anyway, a couple of hours later I get a phone call, it's Mark and he's irrate... on his way home he ran over a cat and killed it dead, pulled over, picked the thing up and moved it into the gutter, turned around to get back into his car and he sees the sign... Imagine what passers by must have thought... haahaahaa He didn't talk to me for days! ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: HELLFISH
Date Posted: 06 Oct 2003 at 3:34pm
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I think someone is making fun of my uses for Cats. Ever thought? A womans vagina is oftens called a Pussy or a Snapper. Cats are often called Pussy... Snappers love burley made from Cats... See there is a connection there somewhere.
------------- I reckon thys hir litel fishin hole jaust aint wut it yuzta bae... |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 06 Oct 2003 at 3:40pm
Haahaahaa, so what do they call a man's vagina then HellFish? Sorry... haahaahaa, people are starting to look at me a little funny at work at this moment! ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: HELLFISH
Date Posted: 06 Oct 2003 at 6:19pm
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DOH!!!! Of course... I didn't catch that as I wrote it. Ever hear the one about the two fish? These two fish were swimming around a wharf and one says the the other. I dare you to grab that hook. The other says uhhh no you do it first. So the first one says okay and bam!! bites the hook and disappears in a torrent of swirling water. The second one says to himself "Whoa that was cool I wanna try I wanna try." Seconds later the hook reappears and bam! He bites it and disappears in a torrent swirling of water. A short time later they find themselves on the fillet bench and one looks at the other and says: Betcha don't have enough guts to do that again. ------------- I reckon thys hir litel fishin hole jaust aint wut it yuzta bae... |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 08 Oct 2003 at 12:17pm
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A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmos all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles. ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: Lethal
Date Posted: 09 Oct 2003 at 11:23pm
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The crisis of the ship containing 50,000 NewZealand sheep in the Persian Gulf has been solved. The ship has been redirected to Australian and renamed "The Love Boat". There is concern however that diseased NewZealand sheep cannot compete with "Ausie Blondes". ------------- Thanks for everything you did for us Eric. may you rest in peace, You were one of the real legends of NZ recreational fishing |
Posted By: Lethal
Date Posted: 09 Oct 2003 at 11:25pm
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Finally Together... She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs." ------------- Thanks for everything you did for us Eric. may you rest in peace, You were one of the real legends of NZ recreational fishing |
Posted By: A C
Date Posted: 10 Oct 2003 at 9:07am
Yes Lethal very good  ------------- Aye-Aye cloth eyes. |
Posted By: A C
Date Posted: 10 Oct 2003 at 9:09am
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OK Team here's my latest Snow White was walking through the forrest when she happened upon Pinocchio. She pushed him to the ground and sat on his face. " OK Wooden Boy......lie to me now " ------------- Aye-Aye cloth eyes. |
Posted By: Snapatak
Date Posted: 11 Oct 2003 at 10:09am
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One of the bro's came down to Auckland from up north. He was at his uncle's place, they were sitting out the back drinking some piss. the bro saw something at the back door and asked his uncle, what's that uncle, thats my wheely bin cuz, wheely bin he asked, what's it for. We put our rubbish in it and at the end of the week the rubbish truck comes to collect it. So the cuz got alittle clever on collection day and waited for the rubbish truck to see what would happen. When the truck pulled up outside his uncle's place the driver asked. Hey bro, where's ya bin. I bin up north. Nar, I mean where's ya wheely bin I wheely bin in jail, just tell everybody I bin up north.
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Posted By: Snapatak
Date Posted: 11 Oct 2003 at 10:14am
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One of the bro's went to the dole office. Hey cuz, you got job for me. Yer sure the guy replied, $80.000 per year, free house and car, overseas hoiliday. Your joking the bro said. Well you started it. |
Posted By: HELLFISH
Date Posted: 12 Oct 2003 at 12:17pm
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As some of you know, I hate cats and find the best use for them is being pushed through the burley mincer! Cats make great burley and 20lb snappers cannot be wrong. I've become a bit worried walking through the neighborhood after I saw this:
------------- I reckon thys hir litel fishin hole jaust aint wut it yuzta bae... |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 13 Oct 2003 at 3:12pm
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New ATM Procedures A local bank is very pleased to announce that they are installing new Drive-thru ATMs where their customers will be able withdraw cash withoutleaving their vehicle. Male and Female procedures have been tailored to best reflect the behaviours of those particular groupings. PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS: 1. Drive up to the ATM 2. Open the car window 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN 4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter" 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt 6. Close window 7. Drive away PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS: 1. Drive up to the ATM 2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM 3. Re-start stalled engine 4. Open the car window 5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card 6. Turn radio down & end call on cell phone 7. Attempt to insert card into ATM 8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance from car to ATM 9. Insert card 10. Re-insert card the right way up 11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind 12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth" 13. Enter PIN 14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN 15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rear view mirror 16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel, look at ATM for one minute and then press "enter" 17. Retrieve cash and receipt 18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside 19. Place receipt in back of cheque book 20. Re-check make-up 21. Drive forward two metres 22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind 23. Retrieve card 24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder and place card in an empty slot 25. Drive two or three kilometres Release hand brake ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: HELLFISH
Date Posted: 13 Oct 2003 at 3:19pm
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ROFLAMO!!! Oh mate I'm busting at the seems! That is EXACTLY what they do back in the States. ------------- I reckon thys hir litel fishin hole jaust aint wut it yuzta bae... |
Posted By: Bushpig
Date Posted: 13 Oct 2003 at 4:08pm
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Adds Gentlemen I am a voluptus blonde with large firm breasts, long legs ands all over tan. I am 25 and have a racious sexual appetite. I am also a lesbian. EAT YOUR HEART OUT FELLAS Genuine Gent Retired, sober habits, likes reading building corner cupboards. Wishes to meet nice sincere lady 30-50, non smoker, preferably C of E, view sodomy. Gentle pagan femme earth cusp, poetic nature, left wing views, occult beliefs, non smoker, wishes to meet cynical pragmatist, votes National Party, materialist, non smoker. View arguments
------------- I would rather laugh with the Sinners, than cry with the Saints |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 14 Oct 2003 at 9:12am
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Tips for the doofus snorkeller 1. Never kiss an eel. 2. If you don't know what it is, don't put it in your mouth. 3. If you're swallowed by a whale continue swimming until all pooped out. 4. Never eat a peanut butter and jelly fish sandwich. 5. Never snorkel close to a nuclear waste dump. 6. If you encounter a shark, place him in a headlock until he shouts "UNCLE!" Or try grinning him down. 7. If you want to see something really funny, follow your lady to depth, then suddenly rip her mask off. Women love it when you do this. 8. Do not snorkel within 90 days of a lobotomy. 9. Avoid snorkeling if you can't swim, have no common sense or watch more than 11 hours of television per day. ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 23 Oct 2003 at 12:11pm
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One for the ladies Did you know that a man is made up of many useless "things?" Here are a few examples... He has an Adams apple that isn't an apple... Two calves that will never become cows... A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere... A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything... Twenty nails that won't hold a board... A chest that won't hold linen... Two tits that won't give milk... Two buns that won't feed anyone... A belly button that won't button... Two balls that won't roll... An ass that won't pull a plough... An organ that won't play music... A cock that won't crow... What are YOU laughing about?!? You've got a pussy that won't catch mice!! ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 30 Oct 2003 at 8:29am
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A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again. ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 30 Oct 2003 at 8:31am
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A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: Snapatak
Date Posted: 30 Oct 2003 at 11:27am
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The post office issued a new stamp with a fanny on it for womans awareness week. It has caused a lot of confusion as men are unsure which side to lick. Farmer buys a milking machine. Trys it on his penis and has a great orgasm but can't remove it. He read the manual and faints. It says AUTO RELEASE AFTER 20 LITRES |
Posted By: Snapatak
Date Posted: 30 Oct 2003 at 1:25pm
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HOW MANY ANIMALS IN A PAIR OF PANYHOSE? An ass' 2 calves A pussy 1000 Hares And a dead fish that nobody can find. |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 30 Oct 2003 at 1:34pm
Snapatak, you left out the crabs!!! ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |
Posted By: Snapatak
Date Posted: 30 Oct 2003 at 1:36pm
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f**k it, so I did.
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Posted By: Kerren
Date Posted: 30 Oct 2003 at 1:52pm
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Although bloody amusing the above jokes are borderline.....please try to keep content for general viewing if possible please.... Keep the humor coming but If you are unsure you could always email me before posting. cheers ------------- I am Kermit, Leader of Muppets Nov 05 |
Posted By: Snapatak
Date Posted: 31 Oct 2003 at 11:04am
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Ok Kerren, Being PC is not my best attribute. Will PM you the realy good ones. |
Posted By: KingfishSi
Date Posted: 31 Oct 2003 at 11:23am
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Sorry Kezz I won't post anymore jokes!... firstly because mine ain't funny and secondly because I don't have any clean jokes to post at the moment. Sorry to anyone I may have offended by posting un-pc jokes! Cheers ------------- Keep knockin', nobody's home. |