Fishing Humour

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote BananaBoat Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Jun 2020 at 8:17pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Marligator Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 4:49pm
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Heard this good one at the Mercury Bay Game Fishing Club in the weekend.

In this PC world we live in now, Dick Van Dyke has had to change his name to Penis Truck Lesbian
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Mr Moritz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 5:41pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Marligator Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jul 2020 at 3:51pm
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Thinking about life:

Since it was such a crappy day, I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life: I came to realize that as I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Lance Armstrong … I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved: winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. Hell, when I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Drive By … Someone broke into my house last week. They didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now they drive by and change the channels. Sick bastards!

The Agony of Aging … On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back."

Video Scam … Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods' DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute … Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?" She replied, "If you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart!

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (2) Likes(2)   Quote Marligator Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jul 2020 at 9:41pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote kingfishers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Jul 2020 at 2:25pm
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"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote kingfishers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Jul 2020 at 2:25pm
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"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote kingfishers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Jul 2020 at 2:26pm
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"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote kingfishers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Jul 2020 at 2:26pm
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"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote kingfishers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Jul 2020 at 2:28pm
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"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote pjc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Jul 2020 at 7:07am
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It snowed last night...

8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from CBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted

Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.”

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Jul 2020 at 12:19pm
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Absolutely brilliant Aussie Passport Application


 

  AUSTRALIAN LETTER - I think the sender might have been upset!

This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister.  The Government tried desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it couldn’t stop laughing !



Dear Mr Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs and condoms from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date ?

For Christ’s sake, do you guys do this by hand ?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years.

It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years.

It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also... would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely bloody astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead !!!

****! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide?

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning.

Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bull****!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bloody address!  

What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter.  (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). 

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other side of Sydney , and get another bloody copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?

Nooooo,  that'd be too bloody easy and makes far too much sense.

You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society' ****er to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo... the one where we're not allowed to smile?...you bloody morons.

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in 'high-society' to confirm that it's me?                                                                      

Well, my family has been in this country since before 1820! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor.  (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!)

I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL...Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am; you know...someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN BLOODY PAKISTAN!...a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from
the Commonwealth and United Nations for not having the "right sort of government"..

You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling bloody idiots!

When you cry, feel pain or sadness, no one notices your sorrow .... BUT
fart just ONE time !!!!!!!!!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (3) Likes(3)   Quote Marligator Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Jul 2020 at 11:37am
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote pjc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Jul 2020 at 5:32pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Mr Moritz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Aug 2020 at 3:51pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Aug 2020 at 3:55pm
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"The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever." - Jacques Cousteau
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Mr Moritz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Aug 2020 at 9:25am
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote pjc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Aug 2020 at 7:07pm
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BEST LITTLE JOHNNY JOKE EVER!!!

Little Johnny meets Jacinda

Jacinda was visiting a primary school in Taupo and visited a year four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Jacinda if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Jacinda , "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Jacinda .

"That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Jacinda searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Jacinda , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"

The teacher left the room

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote mouthu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Aug 2020 at 7:51pm
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Thank you PJC, brilliant enough for me to wear my dinner.
Yes it was me, I screwed it up for everyone.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (2) Likes(2)   Quote Motorhead Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Aug 2020 at 8:18pm
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