Thinking about life:
Since it
was such a crappy day, I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life: I
came to realize that as I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone
is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when
he was shot by the woman's husband.
Lance Armstrong … I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has
treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved: winning 7 Tour de
France races while on drugs. Hell, when I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my
bike.
Drive By … Someone broke into my house last week. They didn't take my TV, just
the remote. Now they drive by and change the channels. Sick bastards!
The Agony of Aging … On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped
in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe
polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're
supposed to turn your clock back."
Video Scam … Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods' DVD entitled
"My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste
of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Pregnant Prostitute … Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who
the father is?" She replied, "If you ate a can of beans would you
know which one made you fart!
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from CBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.”
|
Little Johnny meets Jacinda
Jacinda was visiting a primary school in Taupo and visited a year four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Jacinda if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Jacinda , "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Jacinda .
"That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Jacinda searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Jacinda , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher left the room
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