Fishing Humour

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Sep 2003 at 3:24pm
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It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The entire crowd, indeed, become totally mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"sh*t" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote A C Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Sep 2003 at 4:50pm
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Yes, one of your better efforts there Kfsi
Aye-Aye cloth eyes.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Wefaknis Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Sep 2003 at 11:40am
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Several women are in the locker room of a health club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a woman engages
the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

WOMAN: "Hello"

MAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

WOMAN: "Yes"

MAN: "I am at the Harley store now and found this

cool leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

WOMAN: "Sure, .... go ahead if you like it that much."

MAN: "I also stopped by the Boat dealership and saw

the New 2004 models. I saw a Tinnie  I really liked."

WOMAN: "How much?"

MAN: "$55,000"

WOMAN: "OK, but for that price make sure they throw

in that rod you wanted."

MAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... the guys

wanted to go to a strip bar after work can I use your

credit card to get some cash"

WOMAN: "Sure have a nice time honey"

MAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

WOMAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The woman hangs up. The other women in the

locker room are looking at her in astonishment.

Then she asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Bushpig Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Sep 2003 at 11:52am
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The fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks "Any luck?"

"Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday" he boasts.

"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger.

"Nope."

"Well, meet the new game warden."

"Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"

"Nope".

"Meet the biggest liar in the state."
I would rather laugh with the Sinners, than cry with the Saints
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Sep 2003 at 11:58am
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Had to edit half of this or the ladies may have killed me and maybe I should have just left the other half out too!

NEW SLANG DICTIONARY, 2003

AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a
booze cruise, even though you're too pi$$ed to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first pi$$ in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking.
After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the
toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.

ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

FLOGGING ON
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

SSSSSSSSSSHHHH1111111111111TTTTTTTTTTTTTT
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when
viewed from the outside, but there's actually fu(k-all in there
worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo!
Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in
the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the
unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

PEARL HARBOUR
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl
Harbour out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive woman.

TART FUEL
Bottled Alcopops, e. g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

UP ON BLOCKS
Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage.
e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up
on blocks".
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Sep 2003 at 12:05pm
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The� Horth

This couple owns a horse farm,� and gets a call from
a friend, who tells them, "I know this midget� with a
speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm� sending
him over."

The midget arrives,� and the owners ask if he wants a
male or female horse.

"A female horth", the midget replies. So the owners
show him a mare.

The midget says, "Wet me thee� her feet." So they pick
up and inspect all her feet.

"Nith looking horth, can you pick me up an' wet me� thee
her mouf?" So the guy picks up the midget and shows
him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouf, hold me up a� little higher tho I can thee
her eyeths?" So the owner picks up the� midget and shows
him the horse's eyes.

"Ok, waise me up a wittle higher tho I can wook in her
eerths." Now� the owner is getting a little pissed! ,
but he picks up the midget� one more time and shows him
the horses ears.

"OK, now, tan I see her twat?" With that, the owner
picks up� the midget walks around behind and shoves his
head up the horse's� you know what, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head and� wiping his face, the midget says,
"Perhapth I thould rephrathe� that. Tan I thee her wun
awownd?
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Sep 2003 at 12:09pm
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Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about
achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bullsh*t will put you over the top.

And look how far A S S K I S S I N G will take you.
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%


I'm sure we all know quite a few people who give 118%
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Sep 2003 at 2:43pm
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Since it's nearing Christmas, time for a Santa one!

The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,

Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night

The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?

And the kids these days - they all are the pits

They want the impossible ...Those mean little sh*ts

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them

They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason

I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Barrie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Sep 2003 at 5:38pm
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If Noah Lived Today...

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting his front yard weeping. "Noah," he shouted, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a Resource Consent for construction and your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans and get an engineer's report from the Council. Then I got into a fight with the NZ Fire Service over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and smoke alarms, and the Ministry of Health over the provision of smoking or non smoking areas. Then the Residents' Association objected, claiming I was violating SAM zoning ordinances by building an Ark in my front yard that was a recreational watercraft and therefore a threat to existing homes - also I would need to pay an ongoing levy to the local Iwi for potential use of any foreshore.

Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because of the ban on native logging on the West Coast. They tried to get me to use Fijian jara but I couldn't get the necessary dispensation from Customs & Excise to import timber from a Pacific Island nation that wasn't party to the International Working Party on the life cycle of native timbers. I finally convinced DOC that I needed the wood to indirectly save the kakapo from extinction which seemed to get a bit of a reaction, however, the Royal Forest and Bird Society objected and won't let me catch any kakapo. No kakapo. No wood.

Under the new Employment Relations Act, the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement under the provisions of good faith bargaining before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. OSH arrived and now I have to produce a Hazard Management and Safety procedure before they start work and ACC are insisting we pre-pay our annual premiums on the basis we may not be returning. So now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but no kakapo and no wood.

When news got out that I was to round up other animals, MAF arrived and insisted I build quarantine facilities to hold them in for the 6 months before sailing. They also wanted blood samples to prove no genetic engineering practices were involved.

The next thing I know, the Regional Council is knocking on my door. They want an 'Environmental Impact Report' on the proposed flood; the area it would cover, the amount of water in cubic metres, impact on local micro-ecosystems, velocity and force of water, cost to manufacturing and production and local transport, areas for possible relocation and resettlement. I tried telling them they were missing the point entirely.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Opportunities Commission and the Race Relations Office that our selection criteria does not fairly reflect the age, gender, religious and race diversity of Earth.

Finally WINZ has waded in. They have seized my assets for alleged nonpayment of child support. It seems a local netball coach is claiming I knocked her up last year at the tapu lifting ceremony for the relocation of the New Plymouth cemetery. Mrs. Noah is beside herself. She's enrolled herself in the 'Women in Leadership' seminar and has applied to the Waitangi Tribunal for her share of Tainui's corporate box at Ericsson Stadium and is leaving me. "I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Oct 2003 at 9:04am
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These are 'genuine clips' from council complaint letters

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Oct 2003 at 12:48pm
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For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job.There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going? Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no f**king bike!"
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Snapatak Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Oct 2003 at 5:58pm
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Here's a coulpe of drity low jokes.

Hickory dickory dock, the slut was sucking my cock, her hair got tangled, she got strangled, lucky she swollowed the lot.

When you take a gril out to dinner.

flowers @ 25c

Dinner @50c

Taxi home @70c

But when you stick your co%k up her ass, the look on her face is,

PRICELESS.

 

A mexican was smoking a big cigar in a bar, he was blowing out big smoke rings, at that moment an indan man came over to him from the other side of the bar, he said, nextime you talk to me like that I'll kick your fu%king head in.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote lalandi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Oct 2003 at 1:35pm
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So you're a feminist... How cute
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote A C Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Oct 2003 at 2:29pm
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LOL...........best I've seen for a long time, all nice and easy to push through the burley mincer

Aye-Aye cloth eyes.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Oct 2003 at 3:57pm
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Haahaahaa, reminds me of a prank I played on an old workmate... I printed out an A3 Xerox on the printer saying "Wigs for Hire"(This guy I worked with was bald). Stuck the sign to the passenger door of his car and he left work that arvo without a clue.

Anyway, a couple of hours later I get a phone call, it's Mark and he's irrate... on his way home he ran over a cat and killed it dead, pulled over, picked the thing up and moved it into the gutter, turned around to get back into his car and he sees the sign... Imagine what passers by must have thought... haahaahaa

He didn't talk to me for days!
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote HELLFISH Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Oct 2003 at 3:34pm
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I think someone is making fun of my uses for Cats.

Ever thought?

A womans vagina is oftens called a Pussy or a Snapper.

Cats are often called Pussy...

Snappers love burley made from Cats...

See there is a connection there somewhere.

 

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Oct 2003 at 3:40pm
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Haahaahaa, so what do they call a man's vagina then HellFish?

Sorry...
haahaahaa, people are starting to look at me a little funny at work at this moment!
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote HELLFISH Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Oct 2003 at 6:19pm
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DOH!!!! Of course... I didn't catch that as I wrote it.

Ever hear the one about the two fish?

These two fish were swimming around a wharf and one says the the other. I dare you to grab that hook. The other says uhhh no you do it first.

So the first one says okay and bam!! bites the hook and disappears in a torrent of swirling water.

The second one says to himself "Whoa that was cool I wanna try I wanna try."

Seconds later the hook reappears and bam! He bites it and disappears in a torrent swirling of water.

A short time later they find themselves on the fillet bench and one looks at the other and says:

Betcha don't have enough guts to do that again.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Oct 2003 at 12:17pm
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A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmos all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood me yesterday.

Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles.
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Lethal Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Oct 2003 at 11:23pm
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Rest In Peace
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The crisis of the ship containing 50,000 NewZealand sheep in the Persian
Gulf has been solved.

The ship has been redirected to Australian and renamed "The Love Boat".
There is concern however that diseased NewZealand sheep cannot compete with
"Ausie Blondes".
Thanks for everything you did for us Eric. may you rest in peace, You were one of the real legends of NZ recreational fishing
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