Irish Boy's Confession
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'
'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Brown?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Margaret Doyle?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Anne O' Neil?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'4 Months holiday and five good leads'.
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’
The man replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’
‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.
‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the man.
‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.
‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man, in an even tone.
‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.
‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.
‘And you’re still not afraid?’ asked Satan.
‘Nope,’ said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘ Why aren’t you afraid of me?’
The man calmly replied, ‘Been married to your sister for 48 years.’
Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen ...
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the **** off the windshield!"
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A note from a compassionate, loving and caring kiwi husband...
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A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile hard on the top of
its head
The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'
THE WEDDING NIGHT Paul and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon - so they go back to Paul's Mum and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mum if Paul and Mary are up yet. She replies - No. Johnny asks - Do you know what I think? His mum replies - I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school. Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum - Are Paul and Mary up yet? She replies - No. Johnny says - Do you know what I think? His mum replies - Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school. After school - Johnny comes home and asks again - Are Paul and Mary up yet? His mom says - No. He asks - Do you know what I think? His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think.. I gave him my airplane glue. |
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This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.
The irony is, BBC
received not one complaint.
The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds.
Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read......
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking
fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but
the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy
fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys
who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking
frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks,so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on
Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off
a fig bart..
"Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The
pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!!
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything. I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop. All I asked was, "how are you getting on?"
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked. "Probably," said Paddy, "she burns everything else."
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A Auckland girl sent an email to an agony Aunt. "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet. Do you think my brother is queer?"
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My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw....! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.
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A Sex Therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears..!! Personally I think its bollocks....!!
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They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk sh*t and can't drive!
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Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Paki with a rucksack? The Paki with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.
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Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist, "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?" "No," she replies, "its just regular porn you sick *******."
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A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said, “How can you tell them apart?” He said, "her brothers got a moustache!"
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A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" "Yes.....Homer is a fat yellow lazy ******* and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair...!!"
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