Bob
goes to his friend Sam and says ...
"I'm
sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour each Sunday after
services for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he
agrees.
After the service, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all
sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the pastor gets
annoyed and asks Bob what he's really up to.
Bob, feeling guilty, finally
confesses to the him...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so
he asked me to keep you occupied."
The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand
on Bob's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."
I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,
“I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?"
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked
pretty good for a
60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I
found myself
Thinking, she probably had a really hot daughter. We
drank a couple of
beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's
Double?
'What's that?” I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what
her daughter might
look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's
your lucky night'.
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the
hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom...you still awake?'
Dear Shamus
You won't recognize the house when you get home - we
have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen
within 20 miles from your home, so we moved 30 miles away.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that
lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to
change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing
machine. I'm not sure it
works so well though: last week I put a load in, pulled the chain and
haven't seen it since.
Your father's got a really good job now.
He's got 500 men under him - he's cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a
boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.
Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short
while
and they've already made him a court martial!
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin
Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them
off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the
fire.
I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his
bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The
doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten
minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for
three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the
chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on
your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
About that coat you wanted me to send you: your Uncle Stanley said it would be
too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put
them in one of the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because
it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were
in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Your loving Mum.
P..S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the
envelope.
A pretty girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her
home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures: in her
hand was a sign announcing
“Free Kittens”
Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car
stepped a grinning man.
“Hi there little girl. I’m Andrew Little ,the leader
of the Labour Party, what do you have in the basket?” he asked
“Kittens”
little Suzy said
“How old are they?” asked Little
Suzy replied” There so
young, their eyes aren’t even open yet”
“And what kind of kittens are
they?”
“Labour Supporters” answered Suzy with a smile
Little was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called
his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognising
the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day
:and in front of the assembled
media ,have the girl talk about her discerning
kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her basket of “FREE KITTENS” when another motorcade
pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC,ABC, CNN,SKY NEWS T.V.
N.Z. T.V.3 and News Talk ZB.
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up,
then Little got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
“Hello ,
again” he said ” “I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what
kind of kittens you are giving away.
“Yes Sir” Suzy said “They are N.Z.
First, National, and Green supporters”
Taken by surprise Little stammered
“But—-but—yesterday , you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS”
Little Suzy
smiled and said” I know”
But today, they have their eyes
open”
Should
I Really Join Facebook?
A
good laugh for people in the over 70 group !!!
When I bought my Blackberry,
I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a
cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with
Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my
seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could
communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as
simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
My phone was beeping
every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of
the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell
phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last
birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the
grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue
tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was
standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the
nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it,
and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash
board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I
had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say,
"Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she
could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to
make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it
was not a good relationship...
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and
tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the
same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly
frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.
We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three
phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking
bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world
is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the
grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but
this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a
loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but
I never remember to take them with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When
they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am
bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was
recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."
P.S. I
know some of you are not over 70. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to
those who are....... I figured your sense of humour could handle it...If not…
find a sense of humour…. We all need to have one of these !!!.
We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
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