Fishing Humour

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Dino Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Aug 2003 at 7:03pm
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Young guy from India moves to Glasgow and goes to a big
department
shopping complex looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you
have any sales experience?" The Indian boy says. "Sirji, I was a salesman
back home in Surat."
Well, the boss liked the Indian boy so he gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first
day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was
locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
Indian boy says, "Sirji, Just ONE sale"
The boss says, "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales
people average doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was
the sale for?"
Indian boy says, "
101,237.64"
Boss says, "101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Indian boy says: Sirji, First I sell him small fish hook.
Then I sell him medium fish hook. Then I sell him larger fish
hook.
Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I ask
him where
he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him
he'll be
needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I
sell him twin engine Volvo Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4
top-of-the-range Discovery. I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took
him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6
sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should
throw in about
a 100.00 worth of groceries and two cases of beer." The boss
said,your not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a Boat,a 4x4 truck and a tent?" Indian boy says, "No Sirji, actually he
came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said: Well, your
weekend's all stuffed, you might just
as well go fishing."
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Aug 2003 at 5:10pm
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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says:" Make 'em all ugly again"
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote tonto Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Aug 2003 at 10:50pm
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Paddy the Irishman is out fishing when he sees a bottle floating past, so he skilfully nets it and gives it a rub. Out pops a genie and you guessed it he offers Paddy 3 wishes. Paddy thinks for a while and says for my first wish I'll have a bottle of beer that refills itself forever and never runs dry...POOF, sure enough the bottle appears and Paddy drains it in 1 go and instantly it refills. Paddy is ecstatic!!!

the genie then asks Paddy what he would like for his remaining 2 wishes, well as quink as a wink Paddy says thats easy I'LL have 2 more of these bottles!!

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bluefox_13 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Aug 2003 at 10:10am
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Good work guys,  these are magic, keep em coming.....
Yes its cold... no I dont care that you feel the cold easily... no we can't get out....
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Mr Bean Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Sep 2003 at 5:33pm
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Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So here's what we do to keep warm: We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, doesn't it? I've used it several times with no complaints.

When I get to the bottom and start working, what I do is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck and flood my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my itchy ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened. The hot-water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This      is even worse than poison ivy under a cast. I had put that hose down my back, but I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communications system. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he and 5 other divers were laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 hellish in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter streaming down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to coat my ass when I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't sh*t for two days because my asshole was swollen shut.

We've since modified the equipment to filter out most sea creatures.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to squash a jellyfish on your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Mr Bean Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Sep 2003 at 5:56pm
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Why an ike is good......

(Zambia) A solo fishing expedition near Livingstone in Zambia turned into a tragedy when 28 year old Harris Simwaba was choked to death by a live fish which accidently slid and lodged itself into his throat.

Simwaba hooked the fish from the Chungu River 16km east of Livingstone, the Zambian media reported yesterday. When he tried to bite the fish to death      it slid down his throat. Simwaba tried to hook out the fish with a stick, but he pushed it further down his throat instead. Villagers going to their fields on Sunday morning found his body sprawled on the ground with a stick dangling from his mouth. The fish came out when one of the villagers pulled the stick out of Simwaba's mouth."

25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish.

In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.

In a related story, on January 9 the China Post reported that a 23-year-old Pingtung man died after eating fish he poisoned in a nearby ditch. Three days of diarrhea and vomiting led to his demise after he ate fish he caught by pouring toxic chemicals in the water at the suggestion of friends.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Sep 2003 at 7:41am
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THE THREE BEARS IN 2003:

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?
!! "he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asse presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.


"I HAVEN'T MADE THE f**kING PORRIDGE YET !!"
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cookie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Sep 2003 at 10:08am
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2 Maori boys in the pub, Rangi says to the Hemi
Bro you got Sky  
Na havent, gonna get the foreshore first.

 

 

 

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Sep 2003 at 7:50am
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The Painting

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally na ked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black pen ises, but the one in the middle had a pinky.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pinky also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really
about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote billfish Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Sep 2003 at 5:01pm
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Think of this guy the next time you think you are having a bad day!

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to
Laughline,who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless
to say,
she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had
bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work,

so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's
not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with
a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the
bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm
is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This
$20,000 piece of sh*t sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a

delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a
garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn
good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I
do,when I get to the bottom and start working is, I take the hose and
stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with
warm
water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from
my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.


The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
suit.

Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I
scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5
other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted
the dive.

I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber
dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing
but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub
it on my ass as soon as I get in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't sh*t for 2 days because my
asshole was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass!

Tight lines and calm seas,

Richard
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote A C Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Sep 2003 at 6:10pm
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Very good Billfish
Aye-Aye cloth eyes.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Sep 2003 at 4:00pm
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you'll be just right as a pirate. The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note that says: Dear Sir Sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you'll really look the part. Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head. He writes another letter of complaint.

The following day he receives a small parcel and a note: Dear Sir Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup treacle. Pour the treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go as a toffee apple.
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Sep 2003 at 7:44am
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A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,

"I look horrible, all fat 'n ugly - pay me a compliment",

The husband replies "your eyesight's f**kin spot on!"
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cookie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Sep 2003 at 9:19am
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This little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What  is politics?" Dad says, "Well, son let me try to explain it to you  this way... I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me  'Capitalism'. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call her the Government.

      We're here to take care of YOUR needs, so we'll call you 'The People'. The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money, so we'll  consider her 'The Working Class.'     And your baby brother... we'll call him 'The Future'. Now, think about that and see if it makes  sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad  had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying; He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.  

   Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his  father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.  

     The  next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand  the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think   politics is all about".

      The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the future is in deep sh*t."

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Sep 2003 at 2:22pm
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[B/]THE RULES OF LIFE FOR MEN{B/]

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a buck's night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
After wrecking your boss' car.
One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
When she is using her teeth.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail afriendout of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister isofflimits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge isforbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present foranotherman. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictlyoptional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,nottheweakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event,youmayask the score of the game in progress, but you may never askwho'splaying.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you havebroughther to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purposeofflatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only whenyou'resunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a toplesssupermodel... and it's free.

12. Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are youallowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't seeanything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treatedasspies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and theabilitytodrink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed womanmustremain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last sliceofpizza, but not both - that's just mean.

20. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better betalking about his choice of beer.

21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a Mate ofyours, exceptif she's withholding sex pending your response.

22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

Yeah, Baby, Push it!
C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
Another set and we can hit the showers!

23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equalfooting: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all othersituations,analmost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

24. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with amassivehangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks hismonitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every sevenminutes.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is notacceptableforher to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of lessthan1.5litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8 litres,16valves, and a turbo.

27. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, limegreen,orange or sky blue.

28. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want forChristmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" getsa Playstation 2. End of story.
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote CanadianJohn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Sep 2003 at 3:08pm
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very hilarious kingfishsi. however i must correct an oversight. cars in the colour lime greem (aka sublime) orange ( aka vitamin c) pink (aka panther pink) white (aka polar white) are perfectly suitable if they are a mopar circa early 1970's with a 440- 340 cubic inch engine. i am slightly disapointed and on behalf of mopar enthusiast everywhere request an apologee. cheers john
.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Sep 2003 at 3:30pm
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Good point CJ. I am very, very, very sorry.... punishment will be to drink one more beer than everyone else on Thursday... I shouldn't be so tough on myself!

To tell the truth, the title was supposed to be 'The rules of life for Aussie men' huh, go figure!
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Hooker2 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Sep 2003 at 5:02am
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Two Irish men watching a John Wayne movie on TV.John Wayne is riding a horse as Paddy turns to Mick and says,"I bet ya 10 Pounds he falls off"Mick says ,"You`re on!"Just then John Wayne falls off the Horse.Mick pulls out 10 pounds and hands it to Paddy.Paddy says to Mick "Nah mate can`t take ya money i`ve seen this movie before.Mick says"Yeah, me to, but i did`nt think he`d fall off twice.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote The Dog Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Sep 2003 at 8:17am
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Maori tv are making a remake of the silence of the lambs film  its called "SHUT UP EWES"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote CanadianJohn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Sep 2003 at 9:56pm
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ok, iv'e got one.

the popes coming to a small country village on good friday, so all the clergy decided to go out and catch a fish for his evening meal.

brother andrew got into the boat and went out fishing. he caught this ugly looking grey thing and brought it back to the  church. nobody knew what kind of fish it was, so brother charles looked it up in the encyclopedia and found that the fish was called a phucker.

mother therese gutted and scaled the fish. sister mary-gabriel cooked it. and it was presented to the pope. upon eating the fish the pope said it was the best fish he ever had and inquired as to who prepared his lovely meal. brother john explained to the pope that brother andrew caught the phucker and mother therese gutted and scaled the phucker. sister mary-gabriel had then cooked the phucker.

the pope said i can tell i'm gonna get on fine with you c**ts!

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