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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Mejiro Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Mar 2020 at 9:14am
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still laughing 5 minutes later
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote krow Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Mar 2020 at 8:02pm
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Me too ClapLOL
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote BananaBoat Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2020 at 9:14am
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The Day the Penis Asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor. I work in great depths. I plunge head-first into everything I do. I do not get week¬ends or public holidays off. I work in a damp, dark environment, with very high temperatures and poor ventilation. My work often exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss


Dear P. Niss,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you nave raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (2) Likes(2)   Quote BananaBoat Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2020 at 10:26am
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Motorhead Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2020 at 10:57am
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Originally posted by BananaBoat BananaBoat wrote:

The Day the Penis Asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor. I work in great depths. I plunge head-first into everything I do. I do not get week¬ends or public holidays off. I work in a damp, dark environment, with very high temperatures and poor ventilation. My work often exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss


Dear P. Niss,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you nave raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (2) Likes(2)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2020 at 3:07pm
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"The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever." - Jacques Cousteau
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (2) Likes(2)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2020 at 3:31pm
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"The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever." - Jacques Cousteau
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2020 at 3:32pm
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"The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever." - Jacques Cousteau
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2020 at 3:32pm
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"The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever." - Jacques Cousteau
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote lingee Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2020 at 4:10pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (2) Likes(2)   Quote pjc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2020 at 4:40pm
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some catch fish seems I like to feed them so you can catch them.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote anarchy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2020 at 6:50pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Mar 2020 at 9:51am
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Mar 2020 at 9:21am
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Mar 2020 at 9:26am
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote kingfishers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Mar 2020 at 10:02am
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"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote kingfishers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Mar 2020 at 10:02am
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote kingfishers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Mar 2020 at 10:03am
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"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (2) Likes(2)   Quote Marligator Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Mar 2020 at 11:17am
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EMPLOYEE NOTICE

 Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

 This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

 Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

 Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

 A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

 Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

 Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

 Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens.

 Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.

 Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

 PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (2) Likes(2)   Quote Marligator Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Mar 2020 at 11:21am
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CORONA virus alert updates:

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”.

The British have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Irish have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard”. They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be right, Mate”. Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey ! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend !” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

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