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bazza 
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15864
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15864
Two guys walk into a bar & the one buying says to his much smaller mate " Will it be the usual for you donkey ?" & his mate nods, whilst the barman looks disapprovingly but says nothing.
Having finished their drinks the buyer asks his mate "Same again donkey ?" & once again his mate nods but the barman this time breaks his silence by saying " Hey ... you are a bit hard on your mate calling him donkey all the time.
Instead of nodding this time, the smaller guys says to the barman " Hee haw ... hee haw ... hee haw ways calls me that !"
I had always thought that getting old would have taken much longer !
|
Dear Abby,
|
The
Mortician:
Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances.
His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.
The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony."
The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.
The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice...
So I switched the heads."
Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances.
His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.
The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony."
The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.
The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice...
So I switched the heads."
Vote Trump
"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
After catching a speeder…
Policeman: “I’m sorry sir but do you know how fast you were going?!”
Speeder: “I was going the same speed as everyone else!”
Policeman: “Ever go fishing?”
Man: “Yeah…”
Policeman: “Ever catch ALL the fish?”
Policeman: “I’m sorry sir but do you know how fast you were going?!”
Speeder: “I was going the same speed as everyone else!”
Policeman: “Ever go fishing?”
Man: “Yeah…”
Policeman: “Ever catch ALL the fish?”
"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
bazza
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15864
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15864
A middle-aged frumpy couple return
to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were
interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you close the deal for £65, 000 to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I would get the dope to reduce it. See you later, dad."
Never mess with the old uns!
All
we need is a beautiful, long leggy daughter!!!
I had always thought that getting old would have taken much longer !
Some eye candy for you Bazza
Just love this
A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet from hot sand in the desert."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are you living in Mt Roskill and still wearing all this ****?
www.kavemantackle.co.nz
The Elderly Irish Virgin
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
bazza
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15864
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15864
 Clifftastic wrote:Some eye candy for you Bazza |
A lot to be said in favour of older women Cliff, such as :-
They don't yell !
They don't tell !
And most importantly they don't swell !
I had always thought that getting old would have taken much longer !
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