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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Feb 2016 at 8:43pm
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An 85-year-old man was  requested by his 
Doctor for a sperm count as  part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave  the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' 
The  next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and  gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty  as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's  like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but  nothing.  Then I tried with my left hand, but still  nothing. 

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She  tried with her right hand, then with her  left, still nothing. 
She tried with her mouth,  first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still  nothing. 

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with  both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried  squeezin' it between her knees, but still  nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!
 


'You asked your  neighbour?'   
 
The old  man replied,
  


'Yep, none of us could get  the jar  open.'
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote krow Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Feb 2016 at 8:56pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Feb 2016 at 9:18pm
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SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Feb 2016 at 9:21pm
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I always wondered what happened to Dennis the Menace when he got older...
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Olfart Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Feb 2016 at 9:28pm
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This one has probably been done before but I laughed out loud:

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people.  You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.  The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't pee out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter......


Semper in excreta sumus, solum profundum variat....



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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2016 at 5:46pm
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London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio. (You just got to love the Brits.) 

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, esp ecially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.."

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Feb 2016 at 10:18am
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I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Feb 2016 at 11:09am
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote lingee Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Feb 2016 at 5:06pm
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takes drinks with the boys and a good laugh
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Feb 2016 at 8:45pm
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Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer.  Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Gary had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Gary even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that . . . Gary was too tired.'
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Feb 2016 at 11:53am
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You are all invited to a bar b  loo !
 
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Feb 2016 at 12:04pm
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SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Seasider Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Feb 2016 at 10:21am
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Snuffy the seal gets snuffed Cry

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Seasider Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Feb 2016 at 3:38pm
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Originally posted by Seasider Seasider wrote:

Snuffy the seal gets snuffed Cry

For those sensitive people that are upset over the loss of Snuffy its ok he's alive Smile


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote hookerpuka Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Feb 2016 at 4:32pm
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First one is far better than snuffies return. 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Feb 2016 at 10:01pm
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Gives an entirely new meaning to making a trunk call !!
 
 
http://www.liveleak.com/ll_embed?f=d51b0650e695
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote krow Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Feb 2016 at 10:29pm
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LOLLOL
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Feb 2016 at 10:37am
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Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant.

She is furious... Here she is -- in the middle of her election campaign --now this has happened to her!

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "You *******! How could you have let this happen?
With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could
 you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!..... .Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper: "Who's calling?"

SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote krow Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Feb 2016 at 3:17pm
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Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.  They both decide to test it by asking a question each.


Barak goes first.

“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”

David thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks:

“What willEngland be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.

Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”

David replies,

“Buggered if I know! It's not in English!”

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Feb 2016 at 4:09pm
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SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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