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bazza 
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15960
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15960
An
85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
bazza
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15960
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15960
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
bazza
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15960
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15960
I always wondered what happened to Dennis the Menace when he got
older...
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
This one has probably been done before but I laughed out loud:
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.'
The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't pee out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter......
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.'
The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't pee out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter......
Semper in excreta sumus, solum profundum variat....
London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio. (You just got to love the Brits.)
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, esp ecially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.."
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.
takes drinks with the boys and a good laugh
bazza
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15960
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15960
Housework was a woman's job, but
one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load
of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and
the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Gary had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.
The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Gary even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'
'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
'Oh, that . . . Gary was too tired.'
It turns out that Gary had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.
The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Gary even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'
'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
'Oh, that . . . Gary was too tired.'
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
bazza
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15960
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15960
You are all invited to a bar b loo !
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
bazza
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15960
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15960
Talk about one step forward, two steps back ... geez certainly made me laugh!
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
Snuffy the seal gets snuffed 
 Seasider wrote:Snuffy the seal gets snuffed |
For those sensitive people that are upset over the loss of Snuffy its ok he's alive 
First one is far better than snuffies return.
bazza
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15960
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15960
Gives an entirely new meaning to making a trunk call !!
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
bazza
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15960
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15960
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a
check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant.
She is furious... Here she is -- in the
middle of her election campaign --now this has happened to her!
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and
immediately starts screaming: "You *******! How could you have let
this happen?
With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!
How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found
out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!..... .Well, what have you
got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the
phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper: "Who's calling?"
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
Barak goes first.
“What will the USA be
like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action
and gives him a printout, he reads it out
"The country is in good hands under the new
president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy.
There are no worries”
David thinks “It's not bad this time machine,
I'll have a bit of that” so he asks:
“What willEngland be
like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action,
and he gets a printout.
But he just stares at it.
Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”
David replies,
“Buggered if I know! It's not in English!”
bazza
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15960
Titanium
OBE - Over Bloody Eighty
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Location: Mostlyinthepoo
Status: Offline
Points: 15960
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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