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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jan 2016 at 11:23am
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Bob goes to his friend Sam and says ...
 

"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour each Sunday after services for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After the service, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Bob what he's really up to.
Bob, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the him...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says...

"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."

I had always thought that getting old would have taken much longer !
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote puff Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jan 2016 at 7:48pm
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Did u hear about the doctor who performed a circumcision?
He slipped and got the sack
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote puff Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jan 2016 at 7:58pm
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Did u hear about the guy who had 5 penises..... His underpants fitted like a glove!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cpt.Pugwash Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Jan 2016 at 6:47pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jan 2016 at 1:24pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jan 2016 at 2:00pm
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Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store.

I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.

She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,

“I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?"

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Jan 2016 at 5:47pm
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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally... a smart blonde joke.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Contract Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Jan 2016 at 10:00am
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I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a

60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself

Thinking, she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of

beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that?” I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might

look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

'Mom...you still awake?'

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Jan 2016 at 6:33pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Contract Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Jan 2016 at 10:31am
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Dear Shamus

You won't recognize the house when you get home - we have moved.  Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved 30 miles away.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that
lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice.   It even has a washing machine.   I'm not sure it
works so well though: last week I put a load in, pulled the chain and
haven't seen it since.

Your father's got a really good job now.   He's got 500 men under him - he's cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a
boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army.   He's only been there a short while
and they've already made him a court  martial!
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin
Brewery.   Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely.  They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his
bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me.   The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes.  Your father offered to buy it from him.
The weather isn't bad here.  It only rained twice this week, first for
three days and then for four days.   Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the undertaker.   He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
About that coat you wanted me to send you: your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in one of the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday.  We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.  Ralph was driving.  He rolled down the window and swam to safety.  Your other two friends were in the back.  They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Your loving  Mum.

P..S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the
envelope.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jan 2016 at 1:23pm
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I had always thought that getting old would have taken much longer !
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jan 2016 at 4:58pm
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. 
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' 
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. 
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 Jan 2016 at 9:45am
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A pretty girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures: in her hand was a sign announcing

“Free Kittens”

Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.
“Hi there little girl. I’m Andrew Little ,the leader of the Labour Party, what do you have in the basket?” he asked
“Kittens” little Suzy said
“How old are they?” asked Little
Suzy replied” There so young, their eyes aren’t even open yet”
“And what kind of kittens are they?”
“Labour Supporters” answered Suzy with a smile


Little was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognising the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day :and in front of the assembled

media ,have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

 

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her basket of “FREE KITTENS” when another motorcade

pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC,ABC, CNN,SKY NEWS T.V. N.Z. T.V.3 and News Talk ZB.
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Little got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
“Hello , again” he said ” “I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you are giving away.
“Yes Sir” Suzy said “They are N.Z. First, National, and Green supporters”
Taken by surprise Little stammered “But—-but—yesterday , you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS”
Little Suzy smiled and said” I know”
But today, they have their eyes open”

I had always thought that getting old would have taken much longer !
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Feb 2016 at 11:39am
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Should I Really Join Facebook?
A good laugh for people in the over 70 group !!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 70. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are....... I figured your sense of humour could handle it...If not… find a sense of humour…. We all need to have one of these !!!.

We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

I had always thought that getting old would have taken much longer !
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote pjc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Feb 2016 at 4:58pm
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What Do mean the fish are biting today asked the Boss
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Feb 2016 at 9:44am
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Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.

Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at tall."

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whisky.

Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks.

Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.

At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more of this. Me knees are killing me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Feb 2016 at 1:33pm
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     A modern love story
 

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
I had always thought that getting old would have taken much longer !
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Feb 2016 at 8:03am
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Shopping in Texas
 
 
 
Whoops does not seem to want to open from this location altho it will elsewhere.
Anyone know how to fix it ?
 
I had always thought that getting old would have taken much longer !
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote krow Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Feb 2016 at 6:27pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Feb 2016 at 6:32pm
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Here ya go BazThumbs Up


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