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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Cpt.Pugwash Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jan 2016 at 8:21pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jan 2016 at 11:24pm
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Joined: 12 Dec 2006
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WELCOME to 2016:

• Our Phones – Wireless

• Cooking – Fireless

• Cars – Keyless

• Food – Fatless

• Tires –Tubeless

• Dress – Sleeveless

• Youth – Jobless

• Leaders – Shameless

• Relationships – Meaningless

• Attitudes – Careless

• Babies – Fatherless

• Feelings – Heartless

• Education – Valueless

• Children – Mannerless

We are SPEECHLESS,

Government is CLUELESS,

And our Politicians are WORTHLESS!

I'm scared – S**tless!
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cpt.Pugwash Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Jan 2016 at 7:56am
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Two drovers standing in a bar. One asked, "What are you up to?"

"Ahh. I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Jan 2016 at 9:10am
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A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as
they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.

The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years
ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could
not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up… "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the fishing shop next door to that."
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote MacSkipper Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Jan 2016 at 9:22am
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Originally posted by bazza bazza wrote:

A couple were in a busy shopping center....."
Ha ha good one bazza!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Jan 2016 at 5:07pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Jan 2016 at 9:48pm
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: HEALTH ISSUES WE SHOULD ALL ADDRESS PROMPTLY 
÷        Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
÷        Do you suffer from shyness?
÷        Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.
 
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone.  Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
 Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
 Warnings:
 Ã·        The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
 Ã·        The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that   you love them.
 Ã·        The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
 Ã·        The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster  and better looking than most people.
 
 Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel it may benefit!
 Now, just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or Merlot...
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Jan 2016 at 5:54pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Jan 2016 at 9:07pm
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I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical
advertising in doctors’ offices on everything
from tissues to note pads!  
This one should get first prize:
 
I    e-mailed it to my Japanese doctor friend;
he e-mailed back: "If light stay on more than
4 hour, call
erectrician.

(This made me raugh out roud)
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Kevin.S Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Jan 2016 at 10:43pm
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Hey Bazza, isn't that you in the photo that catchelot posted?
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Jan 2016 at 12:09pm
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Tim decided to marry his longtime girlfriend

After the honeymoon was over he was sitting at his work bench adjusting his favourite reels for an upcoming weekend fishing trip with a buddy he had planned.

She was standing watching quietly for a long time,then she said honey now that we are married I think you should give up fishing I think you should sell your rods and boat & spend more time with me!

Tim looked at her with a horrified look on his face then said "for a minute there you sounded very much like my ex wife."

She screamed "Your ex wife ..... I didn't know you were married before !!"
 
"I haven't been he replied"
 
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Jan 2016 at 6:38pm
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Sean the bartender notices that Paddy 
has a broken nose, his face is cut 
and he's walking with a limp. "What
happened to you" asks Sean. 
"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight"
says Paddy. "That little **** 
O'Connor" says Sean, "he could'nt
do that to you, he must have had 
something in his hand", "That he
did", a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible licking he gave
me with it". "Well" says Sean
"you should have defended yourself
did'nt you have something in your
hand", "that I did" said Paddy,
"Mrs O'Connors breast, and a thing
of beauty it was, but useless in
a fight".
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote pjc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Jan 2016 at 7:20pm
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A old drover takes the horse and buggy in to town to pick up his new wife.On the way home the horse stumbled,That's one said the drover,bit further the horse stumbled again,That's 2,just about home and the horse stumbled for a 3rd time,that's 3,Bang and the horse drops dead.The new wife calls him a mean *******.the old drover replies thats one.
some catch fish seems I like to feed them so you can catch them.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Jan 2016 at 9:08pm
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Originally posted by Kevin.S Kevin.S wrote:

Hey Bazza, isn't that you in the photo that catchelot posted?
 
If it is & don't deny a certain likeness, then where is my boat let alone the "crew"
 
Story of my life unfortunately!
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jan 2016 at 1:06pm
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Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jan 2016 at 1:08pm
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A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
You can't beat Chinese Dr's.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jan 2016 at 8:06pm
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A Polish immigrant went to the Land Transport Office to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jan 2016 at 9:26pm
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Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam
to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our
fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the poop inside!"
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jan 2016 at 9:11am
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An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."
She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an' honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cpt.Pugwash Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jan 2016 at 9:33am
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