Young guy from India moves to Glasgow and goes to a big
department
shopping complex looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you
have any sales experience?" The Indian boy says. "Sirji, I was a salesman
back home in Surat."
Well, the boss liked the Indian boy so he gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first
day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was
locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
Indian boy says, "Sirji, Just ONE sale"
The boss says, "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales
people average doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was
the sale for?"
Indian boy says, "
£101,237.64"
Boss says, "£101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Indian boy says: Sirji, First I sell him small fish hook.
Then I sell him medium fish hook. Then I sell him larger fish
hook.
Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I ask
him where
he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him
he'll be
needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I
sell him twin engine Volvo Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4
top-of-the-range Discovery. I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took
him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6
sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should
throw in about
a £100.00 worth of groceries and two cases of beer." The boss
said,your not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a Boat,a 4x4 truck and a tent?" Indian boy says, "No Sirji, actually he
came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said: Well, your
weekend's all stuffed, you might just
as well go fishing."

Paddy the Irishman is out fishing when he sees a bottle floating past, so he skilfully nets it and gives it a rub. Out pops a genie and you guessed it he offers Paddy 3 wishes. Paddy thinks for a while and says for my first wish I'll have a bottle of beer that refills itself forever and never runs dry...POOF, sure enough the bottle appears and Paddy drains it in 1 go and instantly it refills. Paddy is ecstatic!!!

the genie then asks Paddy what he would like for his remaining 2 wishes, well as quink as a wink Paddy says thats easy I'LL have 2 more of these bottles!!

Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So here's what we do to keep warm: We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, doesn't it? I've used it several times with no complaints.

When I get to the bottom and start working, what I do is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck and flood my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my itchy ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened. The hot-water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This      is even worse than poison ivy under a cast. I had put that hose down my back, but I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communications system. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he and 5 other divers were laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 hellish in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter streaming down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to coat my ass when I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't sh*t for two days because my asshole was swollen shut.

We've since modified the equipment to filter out most sea creatures.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to squash a jellyfish on your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.

THE THREE BEARS IN 2003:

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?
!! "he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asse presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.


"I HAVEN'T MADE THE f**kING PORRIDGE YET !!"

The Painting

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally na ked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black pen ises, but the one in the middle had a pinky.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pinky also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really
about?"
    "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
    "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Very good Billfish

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,

"I look horrible, all fat 'n ugly - pay me a compliment",

The husband replies "your eyesight's f**kin spot on!"

[B/]THE RULES OF LIFE FOR MEN{B/]

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a buck's night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

• When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
• The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
• After wrecking your boss' car.
• One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
• When she is using her teeth.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12. Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

20. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

• Yeah, Baby, Push it!
• C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
• Another set and we can hit the showers!

23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

24. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.5 litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo.

27. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

28. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2. End of story.

Good point CJ. I am very, very, very sorry.... punishment will be to drink one more beer than everyone else on Thursday... I shouldn't be so tough on myself!

To tell the truth, the title was supposed to be 'The rules of life for Aussie men' huh, go figure!

Maori tv are making a remake of the silence of the lambs film  its called "SHUT UP EWES"