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Fishing Humour

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote ocka Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Aug 2009 at 9:02am
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 Doctor was addressing a large audience:  "The material we put into our
  stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red
  meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is
  loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes
  the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is
  one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
  Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
  for years after eating it?"
 
  After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
 
I'm the reason they call it FISHING--- Not CATCHING.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote U357 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Aug 2009 at 9:50am
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Irish Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
 

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'
 

'Yes, Father, it is.'


'And who was the girl you were with?'
 

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
 

'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'
 

'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Brown?'
 

'I'll never tell.'
 

'Was it Margaret Doyle?'
 

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
 

'Was it Anne O' Neil?'
 

'My lips are sealed.'
 

'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'
 

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
 

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
 

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
 

'4 Months holiday and five good leads'.



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He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?


He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!


He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ....... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time


He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.


He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.


He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.


He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
I'm the reason they call it FISHING--- Not CATCHING.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Fishful Thinking Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Aug 2009 at 9:51am
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 May have been up before, but fits a theme.
 

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’

The man replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’

‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.

‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the man.

‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.

‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man, in an even tone.

‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.

‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.

‘And you’re still not afraid?’ asked Satan.

‘Nope,’ said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘ Why aren’t you afraid of me?’

The man calmly replied, ‘Been married to your sister for 48 years.’

PhD: Pool Hall Diploma
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Bender Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Aug 2009 at 12:37pm
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The World's Shortest Fairy Tale...


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after ... and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
Nobody has ever come up with a great idea after a second bottle of water.


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Finatic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Aug 2009 at 12:51pm
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Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we  do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts. 

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen ...

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues  hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.  She opens the window and shouts, "Get the **** off the windshield!"

What's the cheapest type of meat? Dear balls. They're under a buck.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote fozzie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Aug 2009 at 12:53pm
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"Thought for the day"
 
Do Cannibals consider homeless people to be free range??ConfusedConfused
Dont take life too seriously.....no one gets out alive any way.
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A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have
boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to
tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he
talks, the dumber he gets.'
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Gruntled Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Aug 2009 at 8:10pm
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I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.


I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!


I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop ****ing.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I

mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding

behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a ****."


Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick
pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?










 

I might have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote worksux Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Aug 2009 at 7:08am
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A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up,

but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrived.

However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shot back Into the

house.

They didn't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife went out to the taxi

while the husband went upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty explained to

the taxi driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, the husband got back into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long'

he explained. 'The stupid ***** was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her

with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket

to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and

tossed her in the back yard! She'd better not **** in the vegetable garden

again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening Laughing
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Moocha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Aug 2009 at 2:06pm
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Our Mexican  maid asked for a pay increase.

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise .  


She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so..'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason i s that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband  say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
-----------------------
 
Dave was attending his biker club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.
       
After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies Dave left to go back home to his wife.
       
When Dave's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Dave sitting in front of his bike, tent up, beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
       
"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to" was Dave's reply.
       
"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.  Then my wife Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"
       
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and do whatever you want."
       
So here I am!

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Moggy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Aug 2009 at 3:22pm
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It was fun being a baby boomer - until now.

Some of the artists of the 60's
are revising their hits.

They include;
Hermans Hermits - Mrs Brown you've got a lovely walker.
Bee Gees - How can you mend a broken hip?
Roberta Flack - First time ever I forgot your face.
Paul Simon - 50 ways to lose your liver.
The Commodores - Once,twice,three times to the bathroom.
Marvin Gaye - Heard it through the hearing aid.
Procol Harem - A whiter shade of hair.
Leo Sayer - You make me feel like napping.
The Temptations - Pappas got a kidney stone.
Abba - Denture Queen
Helen Reddy - I am woman hear me snore.
Leslie Gore - It's my procedure and I'll cry if I want to.
    And my favourite...
Willy Nelson - On the commode again. 

   
People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it!
FISH FIGHT The Peoples Protest
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Tagit Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Aug 2009 at 3:47pm
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Moggy - I like (should that really be hate?) those. Thought you were down in the deep dark south about now??
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Moggy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Aug 2009 at 4:23pm
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Was mate - just back report to file tonight if I get ontop of my emails.
good and bad....
 
Try this one:
 
A note from a compassionate, loving and caring kiwi husband...
 
 
LOOK AFTER YOUR WIFE...

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me,"You lazy *****! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your fat arse and give her a break!"

I thought '**** women!' Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms to sod off and mind her own business. I told her my wife had green fingers and that she really enjoyed gardening.

After a few days I felt really bad, so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my senstive side.  I'm really proud of the deal I got and also very proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys, we should take good care of our wives... then maybe they'll take good care of us.
 
 

I've attached a picture below...hope it comes through OK

 
 

  
 

 
 
  
 
I KNOW…I'M TOO BLOODY SOFT WITH HER. SHE'LL PROBABLY WANT GEARS ON IT NEXT!!

 
 
People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it!
FISH FIGHT The Peoples Protest
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One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, 'Why so glum?'



The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said. 'We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

'Sure,' the man said, 'I love to drink.'



'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!'



The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great.'

'You a smoker?' the demon asked.

'You better believe it!'

'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?'

'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!'

The demon continued. 'I bet you like t o gamble.'

'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?'

The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . .'



'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!'

'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, 'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

The demon said, 'You gay?'

'No.'

'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!'


 


I might have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Aug 2009 at 8:49am
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A Drover walks into a bar with 
a pet crocodile by his side.
 

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.  
 
He turns to the astonished patrons.
 
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
 

Then the croc will close his
 
mouth for one minute.  
 

'Then he'll open his mouth
 
and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
 
In return for witnessing this
 
spectacle,
 
each of you will buy me a drink.'
 

The crowd murmured their approval. 
The man stood up on the bar,
 
dropped his trousers,
 
and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
 
The croc closed his mouth 
as the crowd gasped.
 
After a minute,
 
the man grabbed a beer
 
bottle and smacked the
 
crocodile hard on the top of
 
its head
 

The croc opened his mouth
 
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
 

The crowd cheered,
 
and the first of his free
 
drinks were delivered.
 


The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' 

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
 

A blonde woman timidly
 
Spoke up..........
 
'I'll try it -
 
Just don't hit me so hard
 
with the beer bottle!'

"The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever." - Jacques Cousteau
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Moggy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Aug 2009 at 9:54am
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THE WEDDING NIGHT

Paul and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon - so they go back to Paul's Mum and Dad's house for their first night together.
 
In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast.  

As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mum if Paul and Mary are up yet.  

She replies - No.  

Johnny asks - Do you know what I think?

His mum replies - I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum -

Are Paul and Mary up yet?

She replies - No.

Johnny says - Do you know what I think?  
 His mum replies - Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.

After school - Johnny comes home and asks again - Are Paul and Mary up yet?

His mom says - No.    

He asks - Do you know what I think?  

His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think

He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think..

I gave him my airplane glue.        
 
People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it!
FISH FIGHT The Peoples Protest
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This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.  
The irony is, BBC
received not one complaint.


The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds.
Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read......
    
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.


At the end of the day, she was knucking
fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.


The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but
the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. 


Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy
fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys
who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking
frighty!!!"  said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks,so dropping her slass glipper.


The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked
on
Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off
a fig bart.. 
"Who's fust jarted?"  asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.


When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. 


Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The
pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!!
  

"The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever." - Jacques Cousteau
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Honestly some folk will take offence at anything.  I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop.  All I asked was,  "how are you getting on?"

==========

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby.  "Is this yours?"  she asked.  "Probably," said Paddy,  "she burns everything else."

==========

A Auckland girl sent an email to an agony Aunt.  "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet.  Do you think my brother is queer?"

==========

My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw....!  It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

==========

A Sex Therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears..!!  Personally I think its bollocks....!!

==========

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.  After 8 pints I talk sh*t and can't drive!

==========

Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Paki with a rucksack?  The Paki with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.

==========

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist,  "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"  "No,"  she replies,  "its just regular porn you sick *******."

==========

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.  I said,  “How can you tell them apart?”  He said,  "her brothers got a moustache!"

==========

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems.  "Can you describe the symptoms to me?"  "Yes.....Homer is a fat yellow lazy ******* and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair...!!"

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