Fishing Humour

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Aug 2003 at 4:25pm
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Guys, if you want to have a laugh over peoples misfortune, take a look at this site.

Darwin Awards

I can recommend also watching the crab mpeg under 'Personal Accounts' - 'Under Pressure'
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote empty Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Aug 2003 at 9:44pm
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> >
> >
> > The Wallabies rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a
> > player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the
practice
> > field.
> >
> > Head coach Eddie Jones immediately suspended practice while police and
> > federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete
> analysis,
> > investigating forensic experts determined that the white substance
unknown
> > to players was the try line. Practice was resumed after special agents
> > decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
> >
>
what happened to the pissing man?
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Snapatak Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Aug 2003 at 8:13am
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 Subject: His & Hers diary
>
>
>
> HER DIARY
>
> Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to
> meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
> long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
> but he made  no comment.
>
> Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
> so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him
> what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that
> he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
>
> On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and
> kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he
> didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if had lost
> him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there
> and watched TV He  seemed distant and absent.
>
> Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed
> and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I
> still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere
> else.
> I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront
> him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and
> cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know  what to do. I'm almost
> sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
>
> HIS DIARY
>
> Today the Springboks lost.  At least I got laid.
>


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Aug 2003 at 12:04pm
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WHEN A CAR LOVER SCORES

I met her at the Civic. I'd been Holden up the bar all night andasshewalked in, I looked her Rover. I thought she seemed Familia, butthatwasjust a Mirage. She came up to me of her own Accord. I said "Audi",shetoldme she thought I was Galant. I lied to her and told her I was anExecutive.I was just being Calais. She was quite a Starlet, wearing aniceMini,butnot like that of Hunter. Her name was Sylvia and she was a realTrooper. I'ddrunk a few Corona's when I tried to Impreza. She told me not toPorscheit. I told her I wanted to Lancer. Turns out she was an Escort, so byherstandards I wasn't that Ford. I didn't want to pay - she said "youdon'tknow what your Nissan". So I paid. I took her back to my place -or HQasIlike to call it. I had a Bighorn and, of course, I was an absoluteLegend. Later, when there was a Prelude, I went to see if there was anyfoodleftinthe Lada. It was a great night, but I really should have worn acondombecause you see, I left her with my Legacy -
a littleBambina......
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Peter da Squid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Aug 2003 at 6:37pm
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Very clever Si.  Anyway............

2 Maori boys- (dont worry im Maori too) were cleaning up after a day on the water, The single one of the 2, Hem says to his bro" Hey Timmy, you into going to town to watch some strippers tonight"? Timmy replies " Yeahhh, but only if the missus gives the ok".

An hour later Tim asks his hard lady if he's aloud off the leash, She agree's but on terms, 1- dont come home to late, 2- dont be to drunk & 3- dont spend all your money. Not long after Hem is there to collect his bro.

Well the nights going sweet for these blokes until someone spikes Timmy's drink. Poor boy's a mess in the corner abusing people and vomiting all over himself, Timmy tells Hem that his wife is going to kill him when he arrives home late, drunk & broke especially since his shirt is covered in spew. Hem says "dont worry bro, I have a plan"

Hem says to Tim-" tell your wife that some drunk w**ker came over to you and chundered all down your front, The bloke was so embarrased he slipped $20.00 into ya top pocket for the drycleaning bill". Tim nods his head and say's "that might work".

Anyway 5.30am and Tim staggers through his front door and strait into his pissed off lady. "Darlin, I can explain". We were having a quite drink and some asshole comes over spewes on me and then gives me $20 notes for the drycleaning, check my top pocket its in there, Tims wife reaches in and pulls out  $40 notes, she replies "you lying bastard, you told me you had 20$ bucks only!"

Poor Tim replies " Oh, he sh*t in me pants too ".... 

Good for Nuthin
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Aug 2003 at 8:13am
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Four surgeons taking a coffee break ... The first one says,
"Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered. "
The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
Third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded." The fourth one says, "I prefer a Australian rugby player. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Aug 2003 at 8:28am
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Did you hear about the Australian politician who was found dead in a Wallabies shirt?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Mr Bean Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Aug 2003 at 1:16pm
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You can hear the new Wallabies theme song if you click on this link
www.awm.gov.au/commemoration/last_post.htm

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Peter Montague Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Aug 2003 at 6:03pm
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I grew up believing a 'wooly bugger' was a trout fly then I went to New Zealand and found out it was somewhat of a national pastime involving sheep

New Zealand where owning Velcro gloves and oversize wellies signifies coming of age

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Peter da Squid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Aug 2003 at 6:19pm
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Gubbins, tell us what a "wooly bugger" is...
Good for Nuthin
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Bushpig Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Aug 2003 at 6:35pm
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Pete,

Let us know when you are over next and we will give you a set as payment for ya mag.

Cheers

Bushie

 might even be able to fix you up with a sheep  or two

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote GrahamT Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Aug 2003 at 5:24pm
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But  dont  make  it  a  blow up  one  Bushie.

 

Kerren took  one  out once  but  after  a lovebite  on  the  neck,  it  farted  &  flew  out  the  window!

I prefer Parkinson to Alzheimer - I'd rather spill my beer than forget to drink it!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Jackrat Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Aug 2003 at 12:30pm
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Whats the diff, between a male mud fish and a female mud fish.

A=MUDFLAPS

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Ross Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Aug 2003 at 9:16am
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Extreme sports

 

Pat, Bill and Jimmy all decide to take up Extreme Sports.

To this end they all visited the pet supplies store in Belfast to purchase the necessary equipment.

On leaving the store and driving to the cliff overlooking the Irish Sea they walk past young Monty playing in the paddock.

Whatr yea up ta? inquired the young monty.

Were going extreme sporting matey an ifn yea care ta watch then tag along and learn a wee bit, they tell him.

First up is Pat, who pulls out of his shopping bag a wee budgie bird and gripping its feet leaps off the high cliff to his doom below.

Well, says Bill, I dont think much of that there budgie jumping as an extreme sport at all I dont

Bills turn next and he pulls out of his shopping bag a big parrot. He throws the parrot up as high as hes able, pulls out a gun and shoots it, then leaps to his demise onto the rocks below.

Bloody hell, exclaims Jimmy, That there parrot shooting is a bloody dangerous extreme sport as well.

With that Jimmy pulls from his shopping bag a common chicken, grabs it by the legs holds it out in front of himself and lurches off the cliff to his likewise death below.

Young Monty wanders up to the cliff, looks over and despondently claims, That there hen gliding isnt much of an extreme sport either matey!

Fishing-4-all-NZ
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Aug 2003 at 7:44am
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Bobs just about to set off on a round of golf when he realises that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello," says a little girls voice."
"Hi, honey, its Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you havent got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and hes upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay then, heres what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my cars just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and fell down the front steps and shes just lying there. Her neck is at a funny angle. I think shes dead."
"Oh my God ... and what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying there, not moving. He may be dead too."
There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? ........................ is this 854-7039?"
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Mr Bean Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Aug 2003 at 9:57am
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One of the funniest things I've seen.....a must for any rugby supporter.......go visit
http://members.hn.ozemail.com.au/gerardandkim/
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Wefaknis Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Aug 2003 at 11:38am
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A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, 'I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. But I can only grant one.'
The man thought for a while and finally said, 'I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see
all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, 'No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the pilars needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask.'

The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, 'Well, there is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick.'

The genie considered for a few moments and said, 'So, do you want two lanes or four?'

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote KingfishSi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Aug 2003 at 11:49am
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Right, time for a blonde joke...

This blonde chick goes up to this coke machine and puts in $1 and out comes a can of coke...

... She puts in another $1 and out comes another can...

... 10 minutes later she's still standing at the coke machine feeding in coins and pulling out coke cans...

... Anyway, there's a bit of a queue building up as it's a rather hot day. The guy behind the blonde says "Lady, how long are you gonna be???"...

... the blonde replies "Duh, I'm like, still winning!"
Keep knockin', nobody's home.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Wefaknis Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Aug 2003 at 11:36am
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote A C Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Aug 2003 at 1:53pm
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A guy comes home from a fishing trip to find his wife standing nude in front of the mirror with a frown on her face 

 " What's up Honey "

" I look ugly, fat, old and horrible, whatsmore I feel terrible........ can you pay me a compliment to make me feel a little better ? "

" Well,  your eyesight's f#cking spot on "

Aye-Aye cloth eyes.
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