Very clever Si. Anyway............
2 Maori boys- (dont worry im Maori too) were cleaning up after a day on the water, The single one of the 2, Hem says to his bro" Hey Timmy, you into going to town to watch some strippers tonight"? Timmy replies " Yeahhh, but only if the missus gives the ok".
An hour later Tim asks his hard lady if he's aloud off the leash, She agree's but on terms, 1- dont come home to late, 2- dont be to drunk & 3- dont spend all your money. Not long after Hem is there to collect his bro.
Well the nights going sweet for these blokes until someone spikes Timmy's drink. Poor boy's a mess in the corner abusing people and vomiting all over himself, Timmy tells Hem that his wife is going to kill him when he arrives home late, drunk & broke especially since his shirt is covered in spew. Hem says "dont worry bro, I have a plan"
Hem says to Tim-" tell your wife that some drunk w**ker came over to you and chundered all down your front, The bloke was so embarrased he slipped $20.00 into ya top pocket for the drycleaning bill". Tim nods his head and say's "that might work".
Anyway 5.30am and Tim staggers through his front door and strait into his pissed off lady. "Darlin, I can explain". We were having a quite drink and some asshole comes over spewes on me and then gives me $20 notes for the drycleaning, check my top pocket its in there, Tims wife reaches in and pulls out $40 notes, she replies "you lying bastard, you told me you had 20$ bucks only!"
Poor Tim replies " Oh, he sh*t in me pants too "....
Pete,
Let us know when you are over next and we will give you a set as payment for ya mag.
Cheers
Bushie
might even be able to fix you up with a sheep or two
But dont make it a blow up one Bushie.
Kerren took one out once but after a lovebite on the neck, it farted & flew out the window!
Whats the diff, between a male mud fish and a female mud fish.
A=MUDFLAPS
Extreme sports
Pat, Bill and Jimmy all decide to take up Extreme Sports.
To this end they all visited the pet supplies store in Belfast to purchase the necessary equipment.
On leaving the store and driving to the cliff overlooking the Irish Sea they walk past young Monty playing in the paddock.
�What�r yea up ta?� inquired the young monty.
�We�re going extreme sporting matey an if�n yea care ta watch then tag along and learn a wee bit�, they tell him.
First up is Pat, who pulls out of his shopping bag a wee budgie bird and gripping it�s feet leaps off the high cliff to his doom below.
�Well�, says Bill, �I don�t think much of that there budgie jumping as an extreme sport at all I don�t�
Bills turn next and he pulls out of his shopping bag a big parrot. He throws the parrot up as high as he�s able, pulls out a gun and shoots it, then leaps to his demise onto the rocks below.
�Bloody hell�, exclaims Jimmy, �That there parrot shooting is a bloody dangerous extreme sport as well�.
With that Jimmy pulls from his shopping bag a common chicken, grabs it by the legs holds it out in front of himself and lurches off the cliff to his likewise death below.
Young Monty wanders up to the cliff, looks over and despondently claims, �That there hen gliding isn�t much of an extreme sport either matey!�
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, 'I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. But I can only grant one.' The man thought for a while and finally said, 'I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii. The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, 'No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the pilars needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask.' The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, 'Well, there is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick.' The genie considered for a few moments and said, 'So, do you want two lanes or four?' |
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A guy comes home from a fishing trip to find his wife standing nude in front of the mirror with a frown on her face
" What's up Honey "
" I look ugly, fat, old and horrible, whatsmore I feel terrible........ can you pay me a compliment to make me feel a little better ? "
" Well, your eyesight's f#cking spot on "
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