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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 Jul 2009 at 6:47pm
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   I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.  The music was really, really  loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
 
 After a couple of  songs, I started to feel better.   I finished my pint and noticed that  everybody was staring at me.
 
 Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Aug 2009 at 9:17am
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A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organisation:
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, “Why the spoon?”
“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour.
“If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”
“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
“By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.”
I asked quietly, “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”
“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”
"The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever." - Jacques Cousteau
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Aug 2009 at 9:27am
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OBE - Over Bloody Eighty

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The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said,

'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued,

'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.'

'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'

'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that.... But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Moggy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Aug 2009 at 8:26pm
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Not sure if I posted this:
Subject: Garfield on Oil

 Garfield  on the oil crisis
           

A  lot of folks can't understand how we came
To have an oil shortage price rise here in NZ.
-----------------
Well, there is a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just did not know we were getting so low.
-----------------
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in:
 
 New Plymouth

Northland
 
Cook Strait
 
And
 
The Great South Basin

Our
DIPSTICKS
Are located in
Wellington!!!


Any Questions ???
NO?  I didn't Think So!  
 
 
 
 
 
 
People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it!
FISH FIGHT The Peoples Protest
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Olfart Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Aug 2009 at 9:06pm
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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work beer or three when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered.  She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare, and walked directly toward him.  Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky for $20 but only on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out four $5 notes, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.  He looked deeply into her eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said:
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"Paint my house."



Semper in excreta sumus, solum profundum variat....



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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Aug 2009 at 6:12am
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OBE - Over Bloody Eighty

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Pathetic to a point of being funny .......
 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote thomastats Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Aug 2009 at 8:53am
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lmao...some funny sheeet there...."A wing of the masonic lodge"...lol
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Snake Eyes Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Aug 2009 at 9:14am
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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to
the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father
.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood
knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.  So I hid
her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to
confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed
the two of you in great danger.. but two people under those circumstances can
easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry
for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

A fast games a good game
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Moggy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Aug 2009 at 10:36am
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How Adam Got Eve -- Priceless
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,

and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,


and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!
She will bear your children.

and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'


'An arm and a leg.'
Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib 

Of course the rest is history..... .......!! !!
People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it!
FISH FIGHT The Peoples Protest
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Aug 2009 at 1:16pm
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OBE - Over Bloody Eighty

Joined: 12 Dec 2006
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A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY  MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS  RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,  25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Naki man Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Aug 2009 at 6:20pm
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Originally posted by bazza bazza wrote:

Pathetic to a point of being funny .......
 


How many sides does a triangle haveEmbarrassed

How many Eiffel towers are thereEmbarrassed

LOLLOLLOL
LOLLOLLOL


The solution to any problem - work, money, love, whatever - is to go fishing - the worse the problem the longer the fishing trip should be.

"I have a lot of very large problems"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote mouthu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Aug 2009 at 6:27pm
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Originally posted by Naki man Naki man wrote:

 
Originally posted by bazza bazza wrote:

Pathetic to a point of being funny .......
 


How many sides does a triangle haveEmbarrassed  UUUMMMMMMMM

How many Eiffel towers are thereEmbarrassed  10

LOLLOLLOL
LOLLOLLOL


 
Name a country starting with 'U'.......................... ummmmm 'Utopia' 'Yugoslavia', how about this one? Which one? this one... United states!!!!!!! Stupid people.
Yes it was me, I screwed it up for everyone.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Moggy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Aug 2009 at 12:38am
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Ok I have uploaded this
for all you tech minded sods....
 
 
enjoy - as Idid
 
Moggy
People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it!
FISH FIGHT The Peoples Protest
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Moggy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Aug 2009 at 12:50am
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Naki man you might think your video was a hoot - but man its exactly right - for nation whos president has his finger on the trigger these are some of the worlds dumbest sons of  b i t ch es on earth.
 
No wonder some parts of the world have problems with them!
 
Not sure how you raise the level of IQ in USA - after aLL g W Bush was there brightest - and he would not would pass primary school here - even with our stuffed education system...
 
 
 
People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it!
FISH FIGHT The Peoples Protest
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote wnw Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Aug 2009 at 3:39pm
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Who is your real friend?



This really works...!


 If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
 Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Moggy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Aug 2009 at 3:43pm
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Let us know when your released from Hospital WNW... I betting it your be there for a while...LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL
People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it!
FISH FIGHT The Peoples Protest
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Aug 2009 at 8:20am
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A Maori bloke called Rangi was driving through Rotorua, when off in  the distance he saw a booze bus (police).  

 

Rangi thinks this is great and heads straight for it. He pulls up and Rangi winds his window down and says,"Two cans of Lion Red thanks mate!!"  

 

The copper looks at Rangi and says "You must be drunk! Get out of your old truck and blow into this bag for me."  

 

Rangi got out of the truck and said "Sorry boss, I can't blow in that. I got a letter from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that."  

 

The cop looks at him and with a bemused look says "OK. In these cases we require you to give a blood sample."   

 

"Nah nah sorry boss. Can't be doing that either. I got a letter from the Red Cross saying I'm a haemophiliac and I could bleed to death.  Sorry Boss, can't do that" said Rangi.  

 

By now the copper is getting fairly pissed off and finally demands a urine sample for testing.  

 

Rangi looks at him and says "Sorry boss, can't do that either."  

 

The copper says "Surely you can't have a letter for that!  

 

"Bloody oath mate" says Rangi.  "It's from the government. Called the Treaty of Waitangi. Says that you whites can't take the piss out of us Maori."

"The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever." - Jacques Cousteau
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Aug 2009 at 8:32am
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Young Chuck moved to Alberta and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. 

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.   

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news.  The donkey died.'"

Chuck  replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."  

The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."  

Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."  

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?"   

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."  

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"  

Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." 

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" 

Chuck said, "I raffled him off.  I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.00."   

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"  

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won.  So I gave him his two dollars back." 

Chuck now works for Morgan Stanley.
 
"The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever." - Jacques Cousteau
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Aug 2009 at 8:44am
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You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,

Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,

Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a

relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more

curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started

to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be

thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later , Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother

came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but

I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not

saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that

one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

______________________________________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you

'do not' sleep with Jennifer.

But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would

have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER! ! ! !

"The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever." - Jacques Cousteau
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Aug 2009 at 8:46am
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A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. 

The door greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?' 

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?' 

Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!'

 

"The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever." - Jacques Cousteau
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