Fishing Humour

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote wnw Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Feb 2018 at 4:00pm
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Have you found Jesus?

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,

‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’

‘Yes I am’ replies the drunk,

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,

‘Brother, have you found Jesus?’

The drunk replies, ‘No, I haven’t.’

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again,

‘Have you found Jesus, my brother?’

The drunk again answers, ‘No, I have not found Jesus.’

By this time the preacher is at his wits’ end so he Dunks the drunk in the water again, but this Time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.

The preacher asks the drunk again,

‘For the love of God, have you found Jesus?’

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, ‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote wnw Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Feb 2018 at 2:08pm
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I played football for the first time yesterday, after a long lay off with health issues
I heard someone in the crowd shout "You've still got it mate"!
Unfortunately, it was my doctor with my latest test results.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (3) Likes(3)   Quote Foxtrot Oscar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Feb 2018 at 8:24am
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What We Have To Look Forward To In Old Age ?

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come
over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the
box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have
a nice cup of tea, and then..." he said with a deep sigh ............


.

.

.

.

.

.

“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote pjc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Feb 2018 at 8:43am
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never take a laxative after a sleeping pill
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote wnw Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2018 at 12:49pm
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There's a sign above the door where I work that says, "Once you go black you never come back".
You've got to have a sense of humour in the crematorium.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (3) Likes(3)   Quote Foxtrot Oscar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Feb 2018 at 10:46am
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Cajun Salesmanship

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center.


Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.


The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.


Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da govment' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da suppmental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a munt, den da governmen' gots ta pay you benefishery $400,000! Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink da governmen’ gonna send ta Afghanistan first?"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (4) Likes(4)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Feb 2018 at 4:43pm
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When you cry, feel pain or sadness, no one notices your sorrow .... BUT
fart just ONE time !!!!!!!!!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote pjc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Feb 2018 at 6:57am
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My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (3) Likes(3)   Quote wnw Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Feb 2018 at 10:09am
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
The pastor fainted.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote pjc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Feb 2018 at 6:19pm
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Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday she was a bit lonely, and thought,

“I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

She found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and
She felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.

“Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you? ... .. Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,
“Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex.
I want it hot, and I want it now.

Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks.
We’ll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream,
I’m ready!! Now how does that sound?”

Absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote pjc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Feb 2018 at 9:55am
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A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Feb 2018 at 3:06pm
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A wife was suing a hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex."

A hospital spokesman replied:
"Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery.  All we did was correct his eyesight."
When you cry, feel pain or sadness, no one notices your sorrow .... BUT
fart just ONE time !!!!!!!!!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Feb 2018 at 6:14pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote kingfishers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Mar 2018 at 12:46am
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Image result for fishing jokes
"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote kingfishers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Mar 2018 at 12:48am
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Image result for fishing jokes
"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote kingfishers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Mar 2018 at 12:49am
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Image result for fishing jokes
"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Mar 2018 at 3:09pm
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The daughter asks her father, "Dad, there's something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad replied, "You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out
of his exhaust pipe."
When you cry, feel pain or sadness, no one notices your sorrow .... BUT
fart just ONE time !!!!!!!!!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (3) Likes(3)   Quote wnw Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Mar 2018 at 3:25pm
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Paddy the Irish haemophiliac died after trying acupuncture to cure his condition
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote wnw Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Mar 2018 at 3:40pm
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It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes more difficult for them to maintain the same standard of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman. My name is George, let me relate how I handled the situation with my over-sensitive wife Mildred. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Mildred to take on an extra job to generate the extra income that we need.
Shortly after she started the job I began to notice how she was showing her age. I now get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she always says she needs to rest for half an hour before making dinner. I don't shout at her, I just tell her to take her time and wake me up when dinner is on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub, so eating out again is unacceptable; I'm ready for home cooking when I get in.
She used to do the dishes when we finished eating, but now she leaves them lying around for several hours. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her every few minutes that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this as she usually washes them before bedtime.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example she complains that she has not enough time in her lunch hour to do all the shopping. I smile, and suggest that she spreads the shopping over 2 or 3 days, and that it wouldn't do her any harm to skip lunch completely once in a while. Tact is one of my strong points.
I know I look like a saint in the way I support Mildred. Showing this much consideration is not easy. Many men will find it difficult - some will find it impossible. However, if you show a little more tact and diplomacy towards your ageing wife as a result of reading this, I will consider writing it was well worthwhile.
EDITORS NOTE:
George died last week, he was found with a 24 inch Stanley screwdriver stuck up his arse with only 2 inches protruding. His wife Mildred was arrested, but an all female jury accepted her defence that he had accidentally sat on it!!.. 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Mar 2018 at 12:22pm
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A guide to healthy living :-
 
Work hard
 
Eat right
 
Don't smoke
 
Stay sober
 
Go to bed early
 
Exercise regularly
 
:
 
:
 
Die anyway
When you cry, feel pain or sadness, no one notices your sorrow .... BUT
fart just ONE time !!!!!!!!!!!
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