Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital
A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his
client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them
requiring emergency hospital treatment.
Vintage film fan and
part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good
Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to
a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959
film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
“It was a big job
in more ways than one.”
he told us “I’d just lit a roll up fag and
was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing
is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton
Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before
I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and
my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”
Jason says he rushed
to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey
frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had
travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a
cheap firework.
“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was
wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out
for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have
been none the wiser.”
Jason and
Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and
emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock.
Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a
mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don’t know about
Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in
someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”
But Tracey
remains both angry and unrepentant;
“I’m still in agony,” she said, “And Charlton Heston looks more
like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go
and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours
for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes
its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have
done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”
Ted Walters from the
South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what
had happened “People just don’t appreciate the
dangers....“
he told us, “We get called out to more
flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have
moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’.
Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind
in future.”
Catchelot wrote: |
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
|
HELL TO GET
OLD...
Two
medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old
man
Walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One
student said to his friend, "I'm
sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like
that."
The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The
old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The
other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The
old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong as well."
So they
asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old
man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
IRISH SAUSAGES
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Seamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”
Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson’s Whiskey.
Seamus said “Now you've done it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”
Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”
The barmaid noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Seamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”
Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.”
A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.
And he
has had no experience with women.
She
is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each
other......
So, they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.
All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get………………….!"
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the days ahead.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.”
A short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The king and queen were totally soaked. Their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a drenched condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and fired the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of Royal Forecaster.
The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain:’
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
Colonoscopies are
no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician
claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients
(predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc.
You’re boldly going where no man has gone before
2. 'Find
Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you
hear me NOW?'
s
4. 'Are we there
yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally
married.'
6. 'Any sign of the
trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put
your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet
feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't
fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc,
let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't
you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am
not gay.'
13. 'Could you write a
note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft!
A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees!
The passenger riding with the pilot that lost communications was on a mobile phone!
He yelled,"Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his mobile phone from his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory! I am flying upside down at 5,500 metres and travelling at 290 km/h! Mayday, mayday!"
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone!
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions! The first thing is not to panic! Remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 5,500 metres?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 5,500 metres on the altimeter dial in front of me!"
Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm! How do you know you're travelling at 290 km/h?"
How Life Unravels.Aircraft: "I can see it reads 290 km/h on the airspeed dial in front of me!"
Tower:"Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast! How do you know you’re flying upside down?"
Aircraft:
“The pee in my pants is running out my shirt collar!!"
Tasman and Golden Bay snapper still running hot We are not far away from daylight... Read More >
Variety is the spice of life On one recent trip, the plan was to spend a... Read More >
Fish where the fish are! Catching fish or just going fishing? I tackle this issue... Read More >
Thoughtful tactics required for better fish Over the course of each year the fishing varies,... Read More >