Fishing Humour

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote kaveman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Aug 2017 at 10:14am
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Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital

 

 

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

“It was a  big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up fag and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”

Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence  and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe  in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”

Jason and Tracey  were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency  department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”

But  Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;

“I’m still in agony,” she said, “And Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have  had a fag on the go and there’s  no way I’d  guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers....“ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”

 

 

 

www.kavemantackle.co.nz
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Aug 2017 at 6:59pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote reel crayze Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Aug 2017 at 8:27pm
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Originally posted by Catchelot Catchelot wrote:



 
Absolutely brilliantBig smileBig smile
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Aug 2017 at 8:51pm
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As to above ^^ 

 I remember as I think a five year old getting a hair cut and the barber said to me, what are you gonna be when you grow up? I quickly replied, "A Fisherman!" LOL
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote pjc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Aug 2017 at 5:12pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote smudge Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Aug 2017 at 8:20pm
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Equal rights Paul. Try it it works. Honest! LOL
Best gurnard fisherman in my street
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Aug 2017 at 5:02pm
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In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
 

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

 

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.


 

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

 


"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."


Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f off."

When you cry, feel pain or sadness, no one notices your sorrow .... BUT
fart just ONE time !!!!!!!!!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Aug 2017 at 10:30am
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Aug 2017 at 11:52am
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Old age ain't for  wimps... it beats dying young, but all the same it's

HELL TO GET OLD...

Two  medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old  man
Walking with his legs spread apart.

 He  was stiff-legged and walking slowly.


  O
ne  student said to his friend, "I'm  sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like  that."  

The  other student says:
"No,  I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks  slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
 
Since they couldn't agree they  decided to ask the old man. They approached him And one of the students  said to him,
 
"We're medical students and couldn't  help But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?

The old man said,

 

"I'll tell you, but first you tell me  what you two fine medical students think."

 The  first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."


The  old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think  you have Zovitzki Syndrome."


 
The  old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong as well."

So they asked him, "Well, old  timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it  was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

 

When you cry, feel pain or sadness, no one notices your sorrow .... BUT
fart just ONE time !!!!!!!!!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Sep 2017 at 3:09pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Sep 2017 at 12:43pm
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IRISH SAUSAGES

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Seamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”
Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson’s Whiskey.
Seamus said “Now you've done it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”
Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”
The barmaid noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Seamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”
Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.” LOLLOL

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Sep 2017 at 2:13pm
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A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.

And he has had no experience with women.
She is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each other......

So, they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.

All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get………………….!"

When you cry, feel pain or sadness, no one notices your sorrow .... BUT
fart just ONE time !!!!!!!!!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote pjc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Sep 2017 at 3:57pm
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I need advice! I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind my boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket??? Plz any help would be appreciated i plan to go fishing this weekend!!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Sep 2017 at 6:04pm
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 "Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
 
 "Okay then," said Bob, and then proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
 
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said,"I don't know what came over me.
 
On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't ever happen again.
 
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
 
 "It's swollen," Bob replied.
 
 She ran out of the room.
When you cry, feel pain or sadness, no one notices your sorrow .... BUT
fart just ONE time !!!!!!!!!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (2) Likes(2)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Sep 2017 at 7:07pm
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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
“I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!”
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
“Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done.”
When you cry, feel pain or sadness, no one notices your sorrow .... BUT
fart just ONE time !!!!!!!!!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote pjc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Sep 2017 at 9:04am
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Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and asked about the upcoming weather conditions.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the days ahead.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.”

A short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The king and queen were totally soaked. Their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a drenched condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and fired the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of Royal Forecaster.

The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain:’

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (2) Likes(2)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Sep 2017 at 10:44am
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Colonoscopy Journal: 

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. 

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . 

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. 

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' 

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. 

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour. 

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. 

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' 

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. 

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. 

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. 

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. 

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. 

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.


At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. 

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. 

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me... 

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. 

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. 

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ. 


On the subject of Colonoscopies... 


 Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 

1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before


2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
 

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 
s
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.' 

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!' 

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' 

13.  'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

When you cry, feel pain or sadness, no one notices your sorrow .... BUT
fart just ONE time !!!!!!!!!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote kiwifred Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Sep 2017 at 1:22pm
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lol  so true. the only difference was i had a female doctor and nurse doing mine. and i woke up 3/4 way through it to see it all on a TV screen in front of me.  LOL fun times
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Oct 2017 at 12:10pm
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An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft!

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees!

The passenger riding with the pilot that lost communications was on a mobile phone!

He yelled,

"Mayday, mayday!  The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack!  I grabbed his mobile phone from his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory!  I am flying upside down at 5,500 metres and travelling at 290 km/h!  Mayday, mayday!"

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone!

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions!  The first thing is not to panic!  Remain calm!"

He began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 5,500 metres?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 5,500 metres on the altimeter dial in front of me!"

Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm!  How do you know you're travelling at 290 km/h?"
How Life Unravels.

Aircraft: "I can see it reads 290 km/h on the airspeed dial in front of me!"
Tower:

"Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast!  How do you know you’re flying upside down?" 

Aircraft:

The pee in my pants is running out my shirt collar!!"

When you cry, feel pain or sadness, no one notices your sorrow .... BUT
fart just ONE time !!!!!!!!!!!
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