Fishing Humour

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Oct 2017 at 9:06am
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Oct 2017 at 9:35am
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Lets go squid fishing, it'll be fun he saidLOL


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote krow Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Oct 2017 at 8:04pm
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LOL we did that to our boat off Taranaki. we had squid wars. Hold them on the surface and let them fill up before lifting out and holding as close as possible to you mate. Learned they can aim their jet quite well. Heaps of fun. 

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Originally posted by krow krow wrote:

LOL we did that to our boat off Taranaki. we had squid wars. Hold them on the surface and let them fill up before lifting out and holding as close as possible to you mate. Learned they can aim their jet quite well. Heaps of fun. 


Yeah my Taranaki mates would got out at night with lights and jig big chrome jigs with the squid hooks on and bring home great eating squid as they were big into wok stir fry cooking which squid is divine as.Clap
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Nov 2017 at 5:34pm
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Russ and Fred, two old friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
 
One day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
 
A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the park and lo and behold! -- there sat Russ!
 
Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
 
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
 
'Jail!' cried Fred. What in the world for?'
 
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
 
'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her. What about her?
 
'Well, the little gold-digging ***** figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
 
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
When you cry, feel pain or sadness, no one notices your sorrow .... BUT
fart just ONE time !!!!!!!!!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SNOWKIWI Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Nov 2017 at 5:39pm
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LOVE IT!!!
It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing, by people who can't fish.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote pjc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Nov 2017 at 4:57am
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote krow Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Nov 2017 at 8:46pm
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copied from else where.


Is this the future of our pricay??

 

The Telephone is dialled for Gordon's Pizza --------- Brrrrrrr Brrrrrr Brrrrrrr Brrrrrrr

 

“Hello, - is this Gordon's Pizza?”

 

“No, sir - it's Google’s Pizza.”

 

“I must have dialled a wrong number.  Sorry.”

 

“No, sir, this is the correct number. Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.”

 

“Oh!  Okay then - I would like to order a pizza.”

 

“Do you want your usual, sir?”

 

“My usual?  You know me?”

 

“According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three kinds of cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.*

 

“Right! That's just what I want.”

 

“May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten-free, thin crust?”

 

“What?  I detest vegetables!”

 

“Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”

 

“How the hell do you know that?”

 

“Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”

 

“Okay, okay – but I don’t want your awful vegetable pizza - I already take medication for my cholesterol.”

 

“Excuse me, sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.”

 

“I bought more from another drugstore.”

 

“That doesn't show on your credit card statement.”

 

“I paid in cash.”

 

“But you did not withdraw enough cash, according to your bank statement.”

 

“I have other sources of cash.”

 

“That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source,   which is against the law.”

 

“WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !”

 

“I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.”

 

“Enough!  I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others!!  I'm going to an island without the Internet, without cable TV – someplace where there is no cell phone service and no one to spy on me!!” 

 

“I understand, sir.  But do you know that you need to renew your passport first?  It expired 6 weeks ago.”


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Nov 2017 at 10:57am
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Barak Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop, can you just imagine…

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn nasty.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying,

"No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Barak and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?"

Barak replied,

"Go right ahead, my wife Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".

When you cry, feel pain or sadness, no one notices your sorrow .... BUT
fart just ONE time !!!!!!!!!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote MacSkipper Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Nov 2017 at 12:54pm
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Originally posted by bazza bazza wrote:

Barak Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop, can you just imagine…

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn nasty.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying,

"No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Barak and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?"

Barak replied,

"Go right ahead, my wife Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".

Love it great humour!
Good fishing trip nothing breaks, great trip catch fish.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote pjc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Nov 2017 at 4:33am
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it
is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy
it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I
have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that ****
again, you're in my closet now."

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Catchelot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Nov 2017 at 8:04pm
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Bazza - downsizing with retirementLOL


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Hsvl Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Dec 2017 at 8:37pm
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I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”
It hit like a freight train, line peeling and drag screaming the rod now doubled with a tell tail nodding and Salt thickening within the veins.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (2) Likes(2)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Dec 2017 at 10:05am
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If you tend to think there is no justice in this world try not to laugh when you read No. 10.












   

 

       Yes, it's that special time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner.

        1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

        2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted claim to his insurance company.. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger... The chef's claim was approved.

        3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 

        4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies... The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

        5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

        6. A man walked into Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

        7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

        8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

        9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger Kin in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and  demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER] 

        10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.     

        In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain so.  










 
 
When you cry, feel pain or sadness, no one notices your sorrow .... BUT
fart just ONE time !!!!!!!!!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote pjc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Dec 2017 at 8:19pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (2) Likes(2)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Dec 2017 at 3:57pm
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A riddle for seniors :-
 


 
 
 
 

Here is the situation: 

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. 
On your right side is a sharp drop-off. 
On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. 
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. 
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo. 

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation? 


See answer below












Get off the merry-go-round and go home; you’ve had enough excitement for one day..
When you cry, feel pain or sadness, no one notices your sorrow .... BUT
fart just ONE time !!!!!!!!!!!
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