Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
krow wrote: LOL we did that to our boat off Taranaki. we had squid wars. Hold them on the surface and let them fill up before lifting out and holding as close as possible to you mate. Learned they can aim their jet quite well. Heaps of fun. |
The Telephone is dialled for Gordon's Pizza --------- Brrrrrrr Brrrrrr Brrrrrrr Brrrrrrr
“Hello, - is this Gordon's Pizza?”
“No, sir - it's Google’s Pizza.”
“I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry.”
“No, sir, this is the correct number. Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.”
“Oh! Okay then - I would like to order a pizza.”
“Do you want your usual, sir?”
“My usual? You know me?”
“According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three kinds of cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.*
“Right! That's just what I want.”
“May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten-free, thin crust?”
“What? I detest vegetables!”
“Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”
“How the hell do you know that?”
“Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”
“Okay, okay – but I don’t want your awful vegetable pizza - I already take medication for my cholesterol.”
“Excuse me, sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.”
“I bought more from another drugstore.”
“That doesn't show on your credit card statement.”
“I paid in cash.”
“But you did not withdraw enough cash, according to your bank statement.”
“I have other sources of cash.”
“That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.”
“WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !”
“I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.”
“Enough! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others!! I'm going to an island without the Internet, without cable TV – someplace where there is no cell phone service and no one to spy on me!!”
“I understand, sir. But do you know that you need to renew your passport first? It expired 6 weeks ago.”
Barak Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop, can you just imagine…
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn nasty.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying,
"No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Barak and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?"
Barak replied,
"Go right ahead, my wife Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
bazza wrote: Barak Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop, can you just imagine… As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barak and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barak replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like". |
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it
is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy
it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I
have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that ****
again, you're in my closet now."
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