http://vimeo.com/33914707  make sure you watch to the end.

An old U.S.Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old Marine Corps flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?


She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'


.

Why couldnt Batman go fishing?

Because Robin ate all the worms!!!

 Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the Wellington Harbour
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't
understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, and we were the same size as kids. I just don't
get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the other side of the harbour near the car park by Parliament House.'
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' said the big Croc.
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and
wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and
eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment.
See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician,
there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase!!.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

The New Zealand Press...

A tough looking guy is at Auckland zoo with his kids when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The guy runs toward the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the guy brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.
Nicky Hager, also at the zoo visiting his family (the simians) has watched the whole event. Nicky Hager addresses the guy and says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The guy replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
Nicky Hager says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do you have?'
The guy is embarrassed but replies, 'I'm an SAS grunt just returned from Afghanistan and a National party supporter'
Nicky Hager notes all this down then leaves.

The following morning the guy buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

And that my friends, pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

formtool wrote: Went to a zoo overseas once. All they had was one dog nothing else. It was a shih tzu

That's so dumb its actually funny   

katamoto wrote: Only in Russia

That's pretty darn good, watch out for wild animals on the road.

jetfisher wrote: formtool wrote: Went to a zoo overseas once. All they had was one dog nothing else. It was a shih tzu That's so dumb its actually funny

Reckon Cirrus will like this one enough to buy the book :-



The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes.

Now, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.

The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...


Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall, but in the end we came to the conclusion
the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.


She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunning’s.


She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.


Ever since she read TH A T book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.


“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”


“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.


“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua ?”


I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.


“ A re you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.


“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”


“ Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.”
She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.


“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.