Fishing Humour

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Tagit Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Jul 2014 at 9:55pm
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So is your avatar SK.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Contract Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jul 2014 at 2:40pm
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Vicar's Salary

          
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Chrysler 300 C SRT8 every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, 'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, whuck him !

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote kingfishers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Aug 2014 at 4:05pm
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Q. Why are fish so smart

A. Because they swim in schools!
"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote kaveman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Aug 2014 at 4:08pm
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The Blonde and the Milkman.

 

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I'VE HEARD THE "BEST BLONDE JOKE" EVER,

ALONG COMES ONE LIKE THIS ....

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.  He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons.  I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it ....

 

 

 

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

www.kavemantackle.co.nz
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote kingfishers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Aug 2014 at 4:10pm
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A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says,"Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious?

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you do have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote kingfishers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Aug 2014 at 4:20pm
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This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns. He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.

An Inspector steps out of the bushes, "Ahha!" he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled "Shiiiit!". The Inspector, who wasn't expecting such a response said "Settle down, I'm the Fishing Inspector". "Thank God for that" said the fisherman, "I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap".
"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Norseman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Aug 2014 at 3:20am
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The Duck Is Dead!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck,Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the Vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$400!" she cried, "$400 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $400."
"Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength." St. Francis de Sales
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote pjc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Aug 2014 at 7:53pm
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A daughter asked her dad, "Dad, there is something that my new boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand -- He said that I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick to check the oil, I will give him such a servicing that -- his motor will cease functioning and his ball bearings will fall off!!"




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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Aug 2014 at 9:37am
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A painter by the name of Paddy Mc Manus, whilst not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to
the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he
would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when
the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer
with Elsa, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said

"The wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me
brushes."....................
When you cry, feel pain or sadness, no one notices your sorrow .... BUT
fart just ONE time !!!!!!!!!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Aug 2014 at 4:03pm
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Believe it or not this is a woman in full body paint ...... look carefully & you will see that it is.

Bloody cleverly well done tho !
When you cry, feel pain or sadness, no one notices your sorrow .... BUT
fart just ONE time !!!!!!!!!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote pjc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Aug 2014 at 4:33pm
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what you been drinking bazza?
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote formtool Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Aug 2014 at 5:11pm
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Took a minute but the tail gave it away.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote kingfishers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Aug 2014 at 5:20pm
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Cool.. brilliant..!!
"My mind has gone fishing, ask all questions tomorrow"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Olfart Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Aug 2014 at 5:20pm
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And the wings are all wrong too...
Semper in excreta sumus, solum profundum variat....



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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SNOWKIWI Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Aug 2014 at 5:54pm
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Nice one Bazza, had to take my glasses off to read anyway, put them back on, took them off again.....Bingo!!!Very well done, IMHO!!!

It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing, by people who can't fish.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Davo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Aug 2014 at 6:18pm
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wow...very cool. That must have taken ages...
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Davo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Aug 2014 at 6:52pm
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ok - sorry if "blazing" has already been posted before but I think the kids in this are awesome actors....and it made me laugh
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote krow Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Aug 2014 at 8:51pm
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Originally posted by Davo Davo wrote:

ok - sorry if "blazing" has already been posted before but I think the kids in this are awesome actors....and it made me laugh
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8KAaf45g5U There I fixed it
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Davo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Aug 2014 at 9:37pm
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Ta Krow :-)
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote bazza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Aug 2014 at 7:47am
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Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.



He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.


So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.


He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.


But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own   eyes.


He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.


"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."


"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy


"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir….


Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."


A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.


Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.


"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.


Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
When you cry, feel pain or sadness, no one notices your sorrow .... BUT
fart just ONE time !!!!!!!!!!!
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